Tag: funny

Existential Dread and Bologna

So I laughed harder today than I have in many years. Yes, years. The kind of laughing where you can hardly breathe and your side aches.

What made me laugh?  Well, lately the website buzzfeed.com has been doing a bunch of surveys to determine all kinds of things like ‘Which Jane Austen Heroine are you Like?’ or ‘What superhero are you?’ etc.  They’ve become popular with my friends so I mozied on over to take a few as a lark.

The first one I got was quite the ominous survey ‘How will I die’.  I mean who doesn’t want to know that?  Would certainly help when purchasing life insurance.  So I filled out the survey and the results pop up. I am not altering this in any way.  This is what it told me:

“You will be suffocated by existential dread. An unbearable sense of the sheer pointlessness of it all, once tamped down by booze, drugs, and the occasional, ultimately meaningless sexual release, eventually becomes too much for you”

That’s rough…Who knew I was both so thoughtful and such a rebel. So existential dread is defined by our friends over at wikipedia as “It is used in English to describe an intense feeling of apprehension, anxiety, or inner turmoil. In other languages…. it is used regularly to express fear.

Also existential philosophy is the brainchild of Soren Kierkegaard. The idea is you use your brain to perfect yourself and separate from the empty, meaningless world. (Catcher in the Rye with all the ‘phonies’ is an example).  Anyway, who knew that it had such a hold on me enough so that it would suffocate me and lead to my death’.  No more deep thinking for me! 😉

‘After sitting alone thinking about the earth and all the shallowness and emptiness I thought ‘why not take another survey? I mean it won’t mean anything but I might as well’…

So I found one that seemed pretty innocuous ‘What sandwich are you?’  Perhaps I was eating lunch and needed some guidance but you won’t believe what I got as my sandwich.  Again, I am not making this up.  It said:

‘You got the Sad bologna sandwich. Look at your life. Look at your choices” Now I’m really experiencing some existential dread.  Look at my choices?  Look at my life?  I never knew I was so off track.  And it’s not just a bologna sandwich but a sad bologna sandwich.  Even my bologna is sad. Now that is existential…

What’s a girl to do?  Existential dread, a sad sandwich.  Look at my life choices…I’m a mess.  A bit of an academic mess that likes cheap mystery meat but a mess!

But then I found some comfort in an article in the Huffington Post and again I am not making this up.  It said:

“New research shows Tylenol may have the unseen psychological side-effect of easing existential dread….We think that Tylenol is blocking existential unease in the same way it prevents pain because a similar neurological process is responsible for both types of distress,”

Phew!  What a relief.  I’ve got to stock up on tylenol.

But what do I do about my sad sandwich?  And my life choices? When I see bologna in the stores it’s going to have a  whole new tragic appeal to me.  How can a sandwich be sad?  Evidently if it is my sandwich it brings on all kinds of anxiety, distress and sadness.  Perhaps the poor life choices have something to do with the tylenol too!  Maybe that will help me get a happy sandwich?

Anyway, I thought it was hilarious, but I implore all of you to watch out for any existential dread posts or if you see bologna in my fridge give me a hug and ask me how those life choices are going.  You may be my only hope!

existential dread

Laughs

Let’s lighten things up a bit…I do like to laugh just so you know.  I was thinking about it and it has been a while before a real screwball comedy made me laugh.  I guess there was Silver Linings Playbook but that definitely had drama.  I wish more clean, funny comedy was put out.  It seems in recent years most comedies have been out to shock not laugh.  Also, it is not inherently funny to have a woman acting unseemingly in and of itself.  It still has to be funny.

Lately I’ve been getting really into Studio C on BYU TV.  It is proof that you can do funny and be clean.  Sometimes I think it is funnier because it is so relatable.  You aren’t turned off by the bad language.  Do any of you watch Studio C and think it is funny?  What are your favorite bits?

You see I really am quite a cheerful person.  Today the funniest thing happened.  I was talking to my bff and I had to hang up so I could get food.  I said ‘I love you! You are awesome’ and then hung up ordered my meal.  When I went around to the window the guy at taco time said ‘I love you too.  You are awesome’.  It was pretty funny.  You have to be able to laugh at life or the tough times will drive you crazy.  There is a Bill Cosby bit about going to the dentist that no matter how often I listen to it I laugh my head off.  It is great therapy when you feel worn down by a week.  I highly recommend it.

Well, I thought it would be fun to share with you guys some things I think are funny and hopefully you will get a good laugh and have a great day:

Had to add a couple Brian Regan bits too because he’s so clean and funny too. I have yet to find anyone who didn’t find these bits to be funny and you can listen to them with your whole family.  I love playing his routines on road trips and laughing my butt off!

Anyway enjoy!  What do you all think is funny?

A Laugh for a Friday: Things We Learn from the Movies

I heard this the other day and thought it was funny.  So at the end of this long hot week have a laugh on me.

movies

Things We’ve Learned From the Movie Industry

  1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.
  2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
  3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
  5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
  7. Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children, but to you, right then and there.
  8. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
  9. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
  10. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  11. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  12. Most dogs are immortal.
  13. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  14. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.
  15. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  16. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
  17. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
  18. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  19. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  20. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  21. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  22. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  23. Kitchens don’t have light switches.
  24. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  25. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
  26. Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.
  27. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  28. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  29. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
  30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  32. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  33. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  34. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
  35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Something Funny on a Stressful Week!

Every once in a while I like to post a funny bit or joke that made me laugh. This seems especially appropriate this week as the world is still here and the rapture hasn’t started yet!  If wackos can teach us anything it is to soak up each moment and laugh as much as possible.

In addition on Wednesday I am having eye surgery for my strabismus problem.  If anyone is available Thursday or Friday come by and visit.  I would love visitors. I honestly don’t know how much pain I will experience or what it will feel like but I am sure it will not be pleasant. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I think any surgery should make someone nervous.  There are always risks but I’m confident in my doctor and everything should be fine.  Keep me in your prayers and seriously come over for a visit!

This joke I admit is a little sexist but I thought it was funny so enjoy! (By the way, I think these could all be reasons I should stay away from home or car repairs).  Part of the reason I rent is that every home repair I’ve attempted has been a royal disaster!At my Dad’s homes particularly water problems have been such a nightmare.  Everything from sprinklers, main drains and other flooding has occurred.

It honestly makes me want to never be a home owner. What a hassle!  At least with renting most damage I do is not my responsibility but the landlords!

Anyway, enjoy something that made me chuckle. Hope to hear from you this week! (Phone calls will also be great!)

Signs that Your Guy Should Not Be Wielding a Set of Tools

Post-it notes stay up longer than the tiles he installed.

Your baby’s first word is “Fire!”

Everyone in the emergency room yells, “Norm,” when he walks in!

He gets frustrated assembling the toys that come in the kids’ cereal boxes.

The first thing every guest says upon entering your house is, “You smell smoke?”

He threw out three new drill bits before he realized the drill was set on reverse.

He tried to convince you that the unsteady rocking motion of the ceiling fan he installed is an oscillation feature.

The fire department made a special trip to your house to confiscate his wire strippers.

He wallpapers the room without removing the pictures first.

After tuning up your car, he insists that running on three cylinders saves gas.

Your neighbors stopped loaning him tools for fear of being named “accessories.”

Home depot employees all chipped in to hire him a handy man

A Good Laugh

With all the sadness in the world right now (Japan, Libya, Egypt…) sometimes it is nice to have a good laugh.  I don’t even have kids but I thought this was really funny.  I’m sure anyone with kids can relate.  Enjoy!

Things Learned From Children

1.  There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

2.  If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.  A 4 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

6.  Baseballs make marks on ceilings

7.  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

8.  When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

9.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10.  The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

14.  A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

17. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

18.  Duplos will not.

19. Super glue is forever.

20.  Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

21. McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

22.  Ditto Tarzan.

23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

25. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

26. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.{that durn hamster…}

27. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

28. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy..

29. It will however make cats dizzy.

30. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

31.  Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

32.  Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

33.  You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

34.  Plastic toys do not like ovens.

35.  Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.

36.  A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

37.  2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, “Daddy, diapers don’t flush!”

38.  No time is a good time to hear, “Daddy, your tires are ‘hisssssing.'”

39.  You never want to hear, “Watch me fly!” coming from the roof.

40.  Nor do you want to hear, “Your new cell phone doesn’t work underwater.”

41.  Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!

42.  Never light fireworks inside.

43.  Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.

44.  Bugs are not a dietary supplement.

45.  Walnuts make the blender act funny.

46.  Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.

47.  Collecting things is good.

48.  Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.

49.  Eating string is a bad hobby.

50.  Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.

51.  Finger painting is good.

52.  Finger painting walls is dangerous.

53.  If you hear the words, “Can ya eat a lizard’s tail?” it’s too late.

54.  If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my hands,” you don’t want to know.

55.  If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my mouth,” you REALLY don’t want to know.

56.  ‘Fan’ and ‘flour’ should never be heard in the same sentence.

57.  The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.

58.  Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.

59.  Any sentence which contains the word ‘Oooops’ is bad.

60.  Any sentence beginning with, “How much do you love me?” means ‘prepare for bad news’.

 

Things I think are funny addition

So earlier this year I did a post on things I think are funny.  I mentioned in the post an episode from the Mary Tyler Moore Show that I liked called Chuckles Bites the Dust.  In that entry I gave the following description:

The plot is about the TV station’s clown Chuckles who dies from being stomped on by an elephant after wearing a peanut outfit in a parade.  Because of the odd death of the clown everyone at the newsroom laughs and cracks jokes except Mary.  She stays serious until the funeral.  While listening to the eulogy Mary gets the giggles and everyone can’t believe her rudeness.  The more she tries to hold it in the worse it is.  Here is the eulogy that gets her going:

“Chuckles the Clown brought pleasure to millions. The characters he created will be remembered by children and adults alike: Peter Peanut, Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo, Billy Banana, and my particular favorite, Aunt Yoo Hoo. And not just for the laughter they provided—there was always some deeper meaning to whatever Chuckles did. Remember Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo’s little catch phrase? Remember how, when his arch rival Señor Caboom hit him with a giant cucumber and knocked him down, Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo would always pick himself up, dust himself off, and say, ‘I hurt my foo-foo’? Life’s a lot like that. From time to time we all fall down and hurt our foo-foos. If only we could deal with it as simply and bravely and honestly as Mr. Fee-Fi-Fo. And what did Chuckles ask in return? Not much. In his own words, ‘A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.’”

I have had many times when I get the giggles and am about to pee my pants with laughing.  One time on my mission this lady started playing the piano super loud, in a rather vitriolic fashion- so much so that it made our cute little Chinese investigator jump about a foot in the air.  For some reason it made me start to laugh and finally I had to grab my companion and leave to the restroom.  Doesn’t everyone have those moments?  That’s what makes the episode so relatable.

 

Things I am NOT

On September 15th Draper City had a primary election for its mayoral and councilperson races.  As I have never missed an election (even on my mission) this was no exception and I dutifully filled out my absentee ballot.  Before doing so I read the candidate bio sheet to try and make an informed decision.  It was interesting how most of the candidates shared credit for the same things and boasted the same qualifications- with one major exception.  A candidate named Mark Barrett said the following on his bio page:

Qualifications
-Not a land developer
-Not a personal friend of land developers
-Concerned citizen representing my neighbors best interests

I didn’t know that not doing something was a qualification and if it is I don’t know why he stopped at land developing.  Why not add “I am not an adulterer or a murderer”.  How about “I am not stupid or a klutz?”.

Wouldn’t it be great if we were judged by what we are not?  I think all of us would be able to add much more to our qualification list! I for one am not an Olympian, not a hair-dresser, not a supermodel, not a astrophysicist, not Miss America.  If you read over that list quickly I sound pretty amazing!

I wonder if Mark wanted to be elected at all? Surely he has some real qualifications.  It’s not like it is president- just Draper City Council!

UNC_SAM

Fitness Challenge

This week I am starting a new fitness challenge with my friends.  It is sort of like the show Biggest Loser where 10 of us are competing to see who can lose the most weight at the end of 12 weeks.  To make it more motivating most of us are contributing $25 to a pool for the winner.  I don’t know if I will win (some of the girls are exercising hours a day!) but the process will be a win in and of itself.  I feel more motivated than I have in years.  I’ve always hated dieting but this time I feel like I am doing it with friends- because I am!  It is also fun because my sister Anna has joined in.  Since we will be together more starting in September it is nice to know we can support each other. I will keep the blog updated on my progress.  I have definitely lost weight this week and all I have done is lower my calorie intake and exercised on my wii fit.  It’s fun and easy! By the way, it is not too late if you want to join in.  The only rule is it is only for girls and no diet tricks (pills, starving yourself etc).  Just let me know and I will email you a link to the yahoo health group we created.

I am particularly excited about this challenge because I have been going through some stressful stuff lately and the endorphins from exercising and eating right should help me deal better.

With this new fitness challenge I thought I would post a fitness related joke which makes me laugh every time.  Enjoy!

fitness cartoons 00TANYA the TRAINER

 

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an “exercise diary” to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair “monster.” Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hourlate, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya – I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

Something Funny

As many of you know I am sick, so I thought I would post something funny to brighten mine and your spirits.  (I’m actually feeling a lot better after yesterday’s rest and am hoping to be all better by tomorrow.  We will see).  Anyway, this was something read on Car Talk a while back and I just thought it was so funny!  I hope you enjoy it.

OBAMA DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Washington – (AP) OBAMA DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients.

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Obama announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

“For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,” Obama said. “Today, the United States must finally stand up and say `Enough.’ It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour.”

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of “E’s,” will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

“I do not think we can last another day,” Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. “I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Obama, please send my poor, wretched family just one ‘E’ Please.”

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: “With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream.”

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L’s, S’s and T’s.

I laughed so Hard…

So, I was listening to good old Car Talk today on NPR and they had an encore episode.  In it they read a letter from MIT and then the response.  They are MIT grads, and I don’t know if it was made up by a caller or if it is a legitimate letter.  Regardless, it made me laugh so hard I just about died. There are so many pompous, showy things in today’s society and the response points this out in all its glaring details! Here goes!  Have a good laugh on me!

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You’ve got the grades. You’ve certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you’ve got a letter from MIT. Maybe you’re surprised. Most students would be.

But you’re not most students. And that’s exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering’s not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don’t want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it’s also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative – inside and outside the classroom.

You’re interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams – 39 – than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we’re too expensive? Don’t be too sure. We’ve got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,

Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you’d like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, “Insight,” just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You’ve got the reputation. You’ve certainly got the pomposity. And now you’ve got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you’re surprised. Most universities would be.

But you’re not most universities. And that’s exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan’s future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don’t want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don’t want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I’m also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing – whether you’re laughing with him or at him.

You’re interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports – 47 – than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don’t be too sure. I’ve got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,
John Mongan

P.S. If you’d like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, “John Mongan: What a Guy!” just ask.

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