Tag: dating

If You Love Kids Why Don’t You Get Married?

All 5 of my nieces are above average in intelligence and vocabulary, and I’m not just saying that as a proud aunt, its true.   My oldest niece reads a book a day and can converse on a variety of topics.  Sometimes I think it is hard for her to be the oldest and spend so much time with younger, less mature minds.

I think I have a pretty good relationship with my nieces despite the fact that none of them live near me.  That said, I know there is a lot of my life that seems like a mystery to them.  I live in Utah.  I’m not married.  I don’t have kids.  How can that be?  In fact, the last couple of years every time I see my oldest niece she says ‘Rachel, why aren’t you married?’.   Yesterday it was ‘If you can take care of all of us little kids, why don’t you get your own little kids to take care of?

Ah the simplicity of youth.  I wish marriage was the result of readiness or abilities.  Unfortunately there’s this annoying thing called choice and chemistry…Sigh.

Sometimes I wish I could just have 4 or 5 options and just pick one and make it work.  This randomly meeting the love of my life thing isn’t working out very well.  Set ups and online dating provide few dates so I am left just trying my best to answer my nieces question.  What do you say? Here’s how the conversation goes?

“Well, I can’t have kids until I get married and I can’t get married until I fall in love”

Her response “Well why don’t you fall in love?”

My response “I’m ready but sometimes it just doesn’t happen”

She looks at me skeptically and adds

“If you don’t get married and have children how can you be happy?”

Sigh…I’m sure many young moms are thinking this kid has no idea how hard it is and that is true!  However, there is also great happiness.

I finally have to say

“I don’t know why I haven’t fallen in love, but I hope I will someday”

Still with worry another niece says:

“You should just adopt your own babies”

“That would be fun but hard to do all alone” I reply

Then the conversation wanes. If only there were better answers to all these questions.  And yes, I’ve tried online dating and its not for me.

That’s what I hate the most about dating is how impotent it makes me feel.  There is this big life goal that I know will add to my happiness (even eternal happiness) and there is almost nothing I can do about it.  How do you force love?  Force someone to love you?  You can’t.  You just have to hold out hope and be happy.

It’s just frustrating to have such a big thing in the human experience that is so outside our control.  I sometimes feel like I’m missing out on the most human experience.

To have lived and never fallen in love? Is that a life at all?  Art, music, movies, books would say no.

I know that it is, but it still makes me sad every now and then that I don’t have a better answer to “Why haven’t you fallen in love?”

Why indeed?  Only God knows.

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Happiness: A Journey

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Today I was visiting with my home teachers and they asked me an interesting question.  They said ‘we’ve met many single individuals over the years but not many who seem to be as happy and content as you are.  What is your secret?’.  After thanking them for the compliment I had a hard time putting into words why I am happy.  Its kind of a hard question to answer?  There are lots of things that make me happy.  How do you sum it up?

They then talked about all of the different activities I’m involved in and how I take control of my life.  I again thanked them for the compliment and made a fumbling attempt to explain why I am happy.  Here’s a better explanation:

About 7 years ago I was seriously unhappy.  I think only God knows how low I really got.  Its again hard to explain because I wasn’t doing anything wrong per say I just felt this cloud over my life.  I hated my job.  I didn’t get to spend enough time with my friends and things I loved like school and church callings were getting crowded out by long work days and other responsibilities.  In the end, it doesn’t even have to do with that particular job.  It was this ghost of unhappiness that haunted me every day.

I related many times on this blog the events of that period- how I pushed the feelings of depression inside until they burst out in full blown panic.  It still amazes me that with all the challenges I had on my mission and being bullied at school the thing that really broke me was a perpetual stupor of unhappiness.  It makes no sense to the outward observer.  In fact, one could claim I was suffering from first world problems and should be grateful I had a job, and I was. Still, that feeling of grayness in my life is something I will never forget.

Once I had shown the world my unhappiness I had little left to gain by pretending and started to take the leaps of faith necessary to remove the cloud-cover from my life. I lowered my hours and eventually quit my job.  I graduated from school with my MBA. I moved to Draper.  Found out that working from home was right for me, started taking voice lessons, was introduced to open water swimming,  and started a book club, the list could go on and on.  cs-lewis-quotes-sayings-god-happiness-peace

Everything good in my life is because I learned what it felt like to be unhappy and chose to never allow myself to hit that kind of funk again.  Of course, I have unhappy days, even months and been through severe disappointments and anxiety in the last few years but nothing like it was in 2007.

So that’s why I am happy now. I am happy because I know what it feels like to be unhappy and the great thing is that God was with me through it all.  He never stopped telling me that He loved me and He helped me learn the lessons I needed to learn.  He kept reminding me that I needed to make a change.  He never gave up on me.  He never will.

Probably most importantly I learned from that period that God’s plan of happiness is not simply a checklist of big things to do, ordinances to make but literally a plan for our happiness down to where I worked and what I do with my life.  If he is so involved in these microdetails how can I not faith in the big things such as finding my Mr Sunshine out there.  Regardless, I will never let myself feel that way again for an extended period and that is a life-changing lesson.  I am happy because I learned that I mattered to God and His happiness requires my happiness not just my obedience.

To happiness! (Hopefully someday I can find someone to share that happiness with.  All in God’s timetable).

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My First Meet Up

I mentioned a few days ago that I ended up planning a midsingles activity called 8 at 8.  It was the first one so we had a few more than 8 people but it didn’t matter because the whole idea is about networking.  Instead of dating just 1 person you get to interact with 7+ people who know more people who might be right for you.  It makes an evening all the more productive than traditional one on one dating.

Anyway, I had brought the idea up on the singles forums and there was a good response so I created a meet up group and today was our first meeting.  It was super easy to plan.  I basically posted the event, created a little discussion sheet and then showed up at the Pie Pizzeria in Midvale for their awesome pizza.  They have a 23 inch pizza that we got for the group and then people got their own salads and drinks.  It couldn’t have been easier.

Once we all arrived and had our pizza everyone chatted and it seemed pleasant.  I was going to mix people up more but with people eating it seemed easier to stay put and then switch things up once people were done with their pizza.  It was a lot of fun.

I admit I got a little bit of butterflies right before but no need.  Everyone was friendly and we had good conversation.  I think it is a good thing to interact with new people, get out of my comfort zone.  Its challenging but I always feel grateful after.

So for the next one we will see if people want to do a smaller group or keep it big.  Its hard because you have so many no-shows that the smaller groups make me nervous.  Plus they take more planning but I’m open to it if that’s what people want.  The Pie is a good place because its cheap, everyone likes it and the outside space is nice.  We’ll just see what people want to do. It just has to be easy to plan and fun.

What do you think?  What kind of activities do you like to do?

Anyway, I felt proud of myself for taking the time to gather people and stepping outside of my norm.  A few more people aren’t strangers any more and that’s a good thing.

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My Dating Resume

So yesterday I posted my dating resume to the blog and it got a ton of hits.   Originally it was more of a joke than a serious dating idea but maybe I’m on to something? My friend suggested I simply the post the resume and that seemed like a good idea.

So forgive the repetition but here goes.

Here’s some things about me to recommend me to your single friends out there:

I’m in my early 30s and look like this

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I’m a great athlete and love beautiful lakes, rivers and oceans.  Swam 5 open water swims with 2 more to come this year.

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I also can kick most anybody’s butt. I’m tough as nails.  MMA is my specialty.

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I’m also a great reader, philosopher and deep thinker.  Love good conversation and debate.

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I also love the arts, movies, music and theater and the symphony.  Here I am after performing at Hale Center Theater

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I take great joy in writing both this blog and my recently completed nanowrimo book

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Looking for a great cook?  I’m that too. I love to entertain and form groups.  I’ve had a book club for over 3 years and I give cooking lessons to my friends.

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The finished product.  So good!

I’m also a great friend and aunt. Loyalty, honesty and friendship are everything to me. Always have been.

My friend Emily and I at a book signing

My friend Emily and I at a book signing

Stephanie, Angie, Camille and I in Hawaii.  Dear friends

Stephanie, Angie, Camille and I in Hawaii. Dear friends

Emilee and Rachel in Hawaii

Emilee and Rachel in Hawaii (I love Hawaii and love to travel)

miriam

My niece and me
My niece and me

I work from home for Poler LLC and love being my own boss and having freedom

Lastly my faith is everything.  Without it I would just be an anxiety ridden, unhappy mess.  I would sooner give up breathing than give up my faith.

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So there you go.  That’s my online resume for any guys out there to read.  I think I’m pretty great.  Not perfect but got a lot going for me.  I’m fun and try really hard to be a good friend.  I work hard, am honest and I know what my many flaws are and am working to do better.

So if you know someone who is single show him this page and then let him decided for himself if he wants to be set up with me.  That should make your life easier.  Who knows right!

Anyway,  That’s me.  Find me some dates people! 🙂

Modern Mormon Dating Woes and a Resume

Its no great secret that my church is a church of marriage and family.  After all, we have an entire proclamation on the family and have fought tooth and nail for traditional marriage to be protected and encouraged.  All that is good and wonderful but where does that lead the rapidly growing group of single adult members of the church without families? Well, you can either hack it out alone ignoring much of the doctrine that doesn’t relate to your life or you can

DATE!

(or some mix of both to survive).

The second option is hard.  Its hard to find people to go on dates with.  That is my constant problem.  And yes, I’ve tried multiple online resources and nothing.  I’ve asked my friends to help me but evidently they don’t know many singles which I get.  Hmmm.  Who else? Don’t go to singles ward any more so could meet someone at the gym or at swim stuff or something like that but its hard.  I signed up for a matchmaking service but it is based on the men and they haven’t matched me yet.  They make a big deal about being ‘active’ which is a nice way of saying skinny because nobody thinks of someone like me as ‘active’. even though I am.

So where does that lead me? Ok.  Back to option 1.  Hack out a good enough existence for yourself and ignore the second part. Make the church work for your life because you know it is true and Joseph Smith was a prophet and you don’t care that a large part of doctrine you can’t practice yet.  Ok maybe you care a little but everyone wants companionship some of the time.  You don’t have to be a robot because you are single.  So you do your best to take what you can and develop a strong relationship with God and hope that someone sets you up with a friend or you bump into Mr.  Sunshine.

Part of the problem with set-ups is my friends say things like ‘I don’t see you two together’.  I wish they would let me be the judge of that.  I had another friend say ‘you wouldn’t want to go on a date with just anyone’.  Unless he’s a rapist and murder I probably would let them buy me dinner.  The standard doesn’t have to be so high.  I can learn something from a date even if it isn’t ‘the one’.  Plus, how do I know ‘the one’ if I haven’t met ‘not the one’.

I wish I could have a bunch of dates and get  a flavor for what I want.  I really have no idea.

The problem is when you do finally get a date your expectations tend to be a little out of whack because you haven’t had one in 6 months.  You either think this person might be the one, really likes me or, has big potential, instead of just a casual date.  Usually that’s a nightmare.

Even if it is a nightmare date you have so few that I’ve found myself hoping the rotten date would call me again after it.  I don’t know why but it feels better to go on another rotten date than nothing.  Silly but true.

I’m embarrassed to admit the last date I went on was last October and that was only after rather incessant begging to my friends because I didn’t want to go to a reunion alone. We had a great time.  I enjoyed it immensely.

What made me think of this is I have season tickets to the Scera Shell and they are having Josh Turner coming next Tuesday.  It crossed my mind- this would make a great date activity but could I for the best of me think of a guy to ask? Not so much.

Its a problem.  Where have all the good men gone?  Where are you hiding?  I’m a nice girl!

Here’s some things about me to recommend me to your single friends out there:

I’m in my early 30s and look like this

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I’m a great athlete and love beautiful lakes, rivers and oceans.  Swam 5 open water swims with 2 more to come this year.

DSCF0497

I also can kick most anybody’s butt. I’m tough as nails.  MMA is my specialty.

DSCF0896-001I’m also a great reader, philosopher and deep thinker.  Love good conversation and debate

988662_10151621772677239_175637564_nI also love the arts, movies, music and theater and the symphony.  Here I am after performing at Hale Center Theater

dscf0348I take great joy in writing both this blog and my recently completed nanowrimo book

934051_10151563520112239_1137825993_n

Looking for a great cook?  I’m that too.

The finished product.  So good!
The finished product. So good!

I’m also a great friend and aunt. Loyalty, honesty and friendship are everything to me. Always have been.

My friend Emily and I at a book signing
My friend Emily and I at a book signing
Stephanie, Angie, Camille and I in Hawaii.  Dear friends
Stephanie, Angie, Camille and I in Hawaii. Dear friends
Emilee and Rachel in Hawaii
Emilee and Rachel in Hawaii

miriam

Lastly my faith is everything.  Without it I would just be an anxiety ridden, unhappy mess.  I would sooner give up breathing than give up my faith.

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So there you go.  That’s my online resume for any guys out there to read.  I think I’m pretty great.  Not perfect but got a lot going for me.  I’m fun and try really hard to be a good friend.  I work hard, am honest and I know what my many flaws are and am working to do better.

So if you know someone who is single show him this page and then let him decided for himself if he wants to be set up with me.  That should make your life easier.  Who knows right!

Anyway,  That’s me and that’s the state of dating at my age.  Its darn to impossible.  So in the meantime I am hacking it out on my own.  Hoping for a bad date if I’m lucky.  Sigh…

I Hate Love Songs

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Ok that really isn’t true.  I am all about love songs, but sometimes I hate them.  Sometimes I want to scream at the radio with impatience and frustration.

My single friends- don’t you sometimes feel like there is this big part of life you are missing out on?  Like there is an inside joke that everyone elsegets but you?  I know I do.  So much of what you see in movies, music, theater and novels centers around romantic affection, whether it is lust, infatuation, break ups or constancy.  Now before you start reassuring me that marriage isn’t so great and that I should be grateful to be single, ask yourself this would you want to be in my shoes, for real?

I am not wanting to seem ungrateful but sometimes I worry that I will miss out on this big part of being human.  If you were to believe the media a persons sexuality is the most important part of who they are (hogwash if you ask me) so where does that leave me? I’m happy with my life but at times it feels like I’m missing out.  (I know I’m being repetitive but I can’t think of any other way to say it).

I am not writing this to engender a pity party.  I’m just being honest and admitting that sometimes I feel sad that I don’t get to experience romantic love, or that I haven’t too this point.  I guess I get tired of pretending like it doesn’t affect me or that I’m not allowed to feel sad about it because “other people have it way worse”.  If that were a valid reason for not feeling emotion,  nobody would feel sad about anything ever, and that’s not human.

So I’ll just say it- most of the time I am fine being single, but sometimes I feel sad.  There you go.

Most of all I wish there was something I could do.  Like some big secret I could learn that everyone else has figured out but I haven’t been clued into.  I meet people who seem to be so difficult and yet their lives have been full of romantic affection.  It makes me wonder what they are doing and I am not doing?  I know there is no answer to this question and it is all in God’s hands, but still I hope I’m not doing anything to make it not happen. I worry about that sometimes

When it comes down to it I wish I had control, but I don’t.  I wish I could have all the blessings of a temple marriage but it’s not looking good right now (haven’t been on a date in months).  Again, don’t feel sorry for me.  I’m just trying to be honest about how I feel at times.

It seems natural to me that I would have moments of longing for a partner. Doesn’t everyone want love and companionship? I’m no different.

Basically, I would like to fall in love and get married.  I’d like to have companionship.  I’d like to get married in the temple.  I’d like to see how I’d do in a relationship because I think I’d be pretty great.

Am I wallowing in it? I don’t think so, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my moments of envy, regret and sadness at my single life.  Not as much as some girls, but I am human, and I feel all emotions in my own way.  Sometimes it seems like it is not socially acceptable to feel sad, frustrated, angry, remorseful and that those feelings are explained away or not taken seriously.  I get that dwelling on them doesn’t help things but to pretend like they don’t exist isn’t helpful.

So, yes, sometimes life is hard.  Sometimes being single sucks.  Sometimes I long for a kiss goodnight or a squeeze of my hand from a person who really loves me.  Sometimes I feel sad, angry, upset and melancholy.  I know God is looking out for me and all will be well but I do feel the full scope of human emotions and deal with them in the best way I can.

There I said it.

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Myths About Being Single

So this might seem a little random but over the last few months I’ve wanted to write a post on the greatest myths many married people have about being single.

1. Myth #1- “You’re single so you get to hang out with your girlfriends whenever you want”.  Sometimes I think there is this illusion that the singles life is Sex and the City without the sex (well without the sex for the Mormon singles!).  Me and my 3 galpals hanging out and gallivanting around town at our hearts content.  The truth is about 80% of my friends are married with kids and most of the time I’m so exhausted from work and other responsibilities that watching TV or heating up a microwave meal is all I can do.  I would say I get 1-2 (maybe more in the summer) nights with friends in a month, which may be more than those with small kids but still its not like I’m partying it up all the time.

2. Myth #2- “You don’t have kids so you must have lots of extra money”.  I found this attitude pervasive with recent events.  The attitude seems to be ‘well, you’re single so you must have money to hire movers’.  In reality married people statistically are wealthier and healthier than their single counterparts.  Even if you don’t have a two income household, in most marriages you have two people managing the budget and making decisions.  Plus, everything is more expensive for just one person.  Food is more, taxes are more, rent is more etc.

3. Myth #3- “You must have tons of free time because you don’t have kids”.  Well, this may be marginally true but between work and other obligations my time gets full, and I usually can’t skip off at a moments notice just because I don’t have kids.  I try to help where I can and working from home makes me more available than some singles, but my time seems to fly away as fast as anyone else. I’ve actually had people sign me up for things without asking me first- assuming I can do them because I’m single and carefree and can easily find the time.  Not always true.

4.  Myth #4- “You must get tons of sleep because you don’t have kids”.  I deal with insomnia and on a few occasions when I have mentioned being tired to my friends with kids the claws come out.  I have no right to be tired because they have kids and are up all night.  I totally get that, but I sincerely do feel tired.  Really.  Can’t we all be sympathetic of eachother’s tiredness? This one is more in humor as I know I’d be a total grump if I had kids and was up all night.

5. Myth #5- “You’re single. You must travel all the time”.  Now I do travel more than most of my married friends but it isn’t as easy as one might think.  First of all, as a single you have nobody to travel with which means you must either go alone or corral someone to go with you.  The latter can be easier said than done.  A couple of years ago I had tickets to Hawaii and everyone bailed on me so instead of going alone (I had never been before so was nervous about going alone) I visited family.

Going alone is certainly an option but not for everyone and it wouldn’t be my first choice (I’ve traveled alone on several occasions and its fine but a little drab).  Also, you can pay more when traveling alone as single occupancy is almost always more expensive than double.  The other thing is that most of us are working and get limited vacation hours so traveling isn’t as accessible as it may appear.  Last year I had to use my vacation hours to visit my family.

6. Myth #6- “You are so lucky because you get to do everything just the way you want”. This can be a big benefit to being single.  For instance, I got to pick out my own wall color, furniture, light fixtures etc.  If I wanted to have a big party with a cake I could without discussing it with anyone else.  However, this has a bad side too.  You have all the pressure of every decision on you.  There is no partner to discuss situations with or lighten the load.  Something like which loan to get or how much to pay in a down payment had to be made by me and only me. I had to do all the research and get all the inspiration.  Any mistakes lie squarely on my shoulders. That’s tough.

7. Myth #7- “You must hate it when your friends set you up on dates”. Actually the opposite is true. I would love it if people set me up on dates.  Its hard for me to meet people, especially since online dating is not my thing.  I guess if it became an obsession and silly maybe that would be bad but I’ll go on one date with just about anyone. Nothing could make me happier than my friends helping me find good people to interact with and date.

Now, I had a roommate who’s mother would have a date waiting for her at any family gathering including Christmas and Thanksgiving.  That is definitely taking it to the extreme.  Being single does not define us.  It’s a challenge that we may not want to be continually reminded of especially on holidays.

8. Myth #8- “You’re single so I should avoid talking about my family and kids around you”.  No!  I love when people talk about their family.  In fact, I have some ideas that might be helpful.  I may not have kids of my own but I helped raise siblings and cared for babies my whole life.  I’m not totally clueless.  I have opinions on education, homeschool, parenting and child rearing just like anyone else.  Once my friend Adrienne showed me her cloth diapers and how they work and I was actually kind of grateful she didn’t shy away from including me in her life.  You are my friend, so if it is important to you, its important to me.

9. Myth #9- “You’re single because you have chosen to be single”.  Not true.  I’m not actively avoiding marriage or dating.  I’d love to meet someone and fall in love.  I need no encouragement or convincing on that level.  I may have issues about having kids but getting married absolutely.  I’d love it.   Maybe this myth is true for some singles but nobody I know.

10. Myth #10- “You’re single so you should be treated like a college student forever”.  Ok nobody has actually said those words to me but sometimes I feel like that impression is out there.  For singles that are over 30 we resent when it is assumed we are still the same as 20 year old singles.  While I have friends of many ages I have learned a lot in the proceeding years and hopefully have become wiser and better.   I loved my college years so in a way its kind of flattering to be looked at as younger than I am but it can also feel a bit patronizing. Just getting married does not make a person more mature or more of an adult than someone who is unmarried.

11. Myth #11- “You’re single so I’ll send important information to your parents”.  What I mean by this is some still consider me as under the umbrella of my parents family group.  I certainly am proud to be their daughter and perhaps am more dependent on them than my married siblings, but I feel like I am my own family group of me.  Its sort of frustrating when I have to hear news or updates on things through my parents while my married siblings get notified.

The truth is whether you are married or single we all are different, unique individuals that don’t fit nicely into boxes or labels.  Our lives may follow some vague patterns but even if they do we like to be understood for who we are not what category we fit into.  We can all work on that, myself most of all.

So there you go.  You’ve now been demystified.  Now have a great day!

What do you think of these myths?  Have I missed any?  What are the myths singles have about married life?

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