Category: single life

Married vs Singles?

So, I gave this blog a somewhat provocative title on purpose. I am hoping that some good discussion will develop from my thoughts on a TV snippet I saw this morning. The point of the discussion was why married and single people tend to have a difficult time maintaining relationships with each other. Of course, they put the argument in boxing terms which may be a bit strong, but they brought up the point that often people that are close when they are single find it difficult to remain friends after one of them gets married. I must say that I have noticed this on occasion. I have some great married friends that I am still close to but others have fallen off the face of the earth. To be fair, I have also lost contact with some of my single friends as well.

Do you guy’s see this as a phenomenon? If so, why do you think it happens? Do singles feel threatened by the marital bliss of their friends- or vice versa? Are schedules just so different? Are lifestyles different, so relating to one another becomes hard? Do married people not need friends for support and comfort the way single people do?

I hope nobody is offended by this line of questioning. I honestly am just curious for thoughts on the topic. One thing I have wondered is if the real barrier comes when children are brought into the picture. I have had a number of married friends without kids that mention the difficulty they have bonding with other married couples with kids. Most of the time such difficulties result from scheduling conflicts. Children require so much time particularly at night when those (married or single) without kids are off from work itching to hang out. It’s a lot of work for a parent to find a sitter and the few times they do go to such trouble they probably want to spend time as a couple instead of hanging out with their single friends.

Another problem that might create barriers is a change in conversation and interests between the two groups. For instance, two girlfriends may have had everything in common when they were single but now that one is married some of those primary interests have changed for the married friend. What is important to remember is that those points of connection are still there. Priorities have just changed. I would wager to say that singles can be every bit as flaky in discounting or forgetting their married friends- with singles just assuming they have nothing in common anymore. I am obviously not married but it has got to be hard to get married and get dropped by most of your single friends.

So what is the solution to this problem? I don’t know, but here are some thoughts I have on strengthening married/single relationships (sounds so diplomatic hah!). First of all, whether single or married everyone must try to be what I call a low maintenance friend. Be someone that doesn’t whimper and feel neglected if they aren’t contacted for a month or if an outing together doesn’t work out. I love friends like this. Friends that I can always count on, friends that I love to be with, but that are not going to cause me additional stress in maintaining the friendship. I understand that everyone has their high maintenance moments but in general friendships should uplift our lives and be a solace from the world. They certainly should not add extra stress to our already busy lives. My next suggestion is to try and be understanding of different schedules and lifestyles. I was talking to my sister Megan the other day and she mentioned that a friend of hers and had gotten together for breakfast. She said this was convenient for her because she got some female bonding time without interrupting naps, sleeping or other commitments with her children. It was also casual so she could bring the kids and did not need a sitter. Maybe next time a single girl wants to get together with her married friend she could suggest a Saturday breakfast? On the other side of the spectrum married people must work around and respect the schedule of their single friends. Finally, it is important to be sensitive in conversation to the lifestyle and decisions of both groups. Sometimes both groups can come off as condescending- as if they have made the better choices. Let’s just respect each other and remember that we are friends. That’s what’s important!

One last tip for my married friends. Don’t set up your single friends unless you honestly feel that the set up has potential. Most singles don’t mind set ups that are thoughtfully prepared but everyone I know hates the “Your single. He’s single” type of set up. There has to be some reason that the couple might work. Bad set ups are irritating and annoying on many levels and can give the impression that you can’t be friends unless you are part of a couple.

So, those are my thoughts on this topic. It will be interesting for your responses and again hopefully you all understand the spirit of the post. I love all my married and single friends!!!

Great Responses

So my first 2 blogs were a big hit. I have already gotten a lot of feedback on them. A number of people were concerned about my health from a comment in my last one. No fears on that point. Iam actually doing pretty good. I have a membership at Curves and go whenever I can and am trying to eat in a healthy way. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned health and exercise as one of the shoulds. I was referring more to trying to meet an illusion of healthiness instead working with what you’ve got and progressing. My other point is that my job used to be something I would compare my life, my performance, my career with others and to an illusion of success. Now I am looking for a new job grounded in what I want, what I really care about. I do think it is interesting how busy I have kept myself and how generally happy I’ve felt without a job. I thought I would miss the routine of it more than I have.

Anyway, my life is continuing to progress. Sometimes progress is hard. My roommates and I are beginning the process of moving. This makes me feel sad. I’ve been in my current apartment for 2 years and I feel a bit like my family is being broken up. I honestly try to not think about it. I was watching the movie Shadowlands the other day (great movie by the way) and I was touched by something one of the characters says. She has cancer and her husband doesn’t want to talk about it. In response she says “The pain later makes the happiness now greater”. Meaning the lack of time they have makes every moment more precious and meaningful. By not acknowledging it some of that sweetness is lost. Obviously my roommates aren’t dying but the movie has reminded me to savor the moments we have together while I have the chance.

My other thought from the movie is that in the woman’s case she knew the pain was coming. Most of the time we don’t have such a luxury. We can be assured that they will come to us all, so we should take every opportunity we have to soak in the many moments of joy and peace the Lord gives us. It’s so easy to take things for granted until they are gone but I am trying to do better in that regard. I think we all can.

I certainly feel blessed right now. I have been giving a season of joy after a really hard year, last year. I have an amazing education, which I am grateful for on so many levels. I have my testimony of Jesus Christ and the Book of Mormon to uplift me each day. Most importantly I have the Love of the Lord and my friends, family and associates that lift me and mean so much to me. It’s very humbling to ponder upon all that I have been given. I am truly grateful.

The freedom of Joblessness

So, this is my first foray into the world of blogging. I have wanted to but have been content with the notes/postings on myspace and facebook. It is hard to describe my last 6 months but let me just say that I am in the job hunt and I couldn’t be happier. I honestly think I will be a bit sad when I have to go back into the work force. There is something wonderful about living my life the way I want to without regards to supervisors, bosses or routines. I have always been a big one for planning but after a bit of a breakdown last year I needed a change more than anything.

I recently saw a weekend movie where they made the statement. “I would rather be doing nothing than doing something I hate”. I have realized the truth of this remark in my life. The thing that is the most interesting is that I haven’t been doing nothing.  When did we get it in our head that the only viable thing for a person to do is work? I have actually been very busy.  In fact, I have been doing things that I actually love that I don’t have time for when I am working including doing some writing, making a cookbook for my mom, and exercising on a regular basis.

Nearly every day  I’ve had the interesting experience of applying for jobs all over the state of Utah.  I say interesting because you learn a lot about yourself as you answer questions from HR professionals.  My favorite one is “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”  Would I be interviewing for jobs if I knew where I was going in five years?  I guess they are looking for basic answers like “I see myself working for a great company like yours…”.  Usually I say something like “I would love to be a manager in a great organization that will allow me to develop all of my talents”.  I know it is pretty lame but it seems like they are asking for it with that question.

Whether the questions are lame or not it is always interesting.  I wish I could hear what my competition says because I feel like my answers are good but maybe they don’t stack up to  others.  I always feel like the interviews go well and then I don’t get the position.  I guess it just isn’t the position for me.

In the meantime I am enjoying my life and looking forward to the next adventure.