There has been something on my mind lately, and I hope I can put it to words effectively. I’ve always been a very independent person. Even as a child I … Continue reading Emotional Self-Sufficiency
Have you ever heard of the concept of ‘the paradox of choice’? This is the idea that choice is not always a freeing experience but quite the reverse. That an abundance of choices can lead to unhappiness, anxiety, depression and loneliness.
It seems kind of counter-intuitive. Shouldn’t choice be a liberating thing? But it makes sense when you think about it. For example, if I have one restaurant to eat at then I will be happy with said restaurant. When I have 15 restaurants then what was once pleasurable for me at the lone restaurant may be gross in comparison. Plus, now I have the anxiety and frustration of picking out a restaurant when before I went and made it work.
I was thinking about this particularly in terms of media. Never in history of time has there been so many options for entertainment. It is quite overwhelming.
I couldn’t find the exact number but I believe around 700 films are currently released each year. That is triple what we had in the 80s and 90s.
Just think about animated films alone:
By my counts we had 35 animated films both indie and main studio released in 2016. In contrast, 1984 had 0 animated releases. Can you imagine that? A whole year without an animated film? Now we get 2 or 3 a month.
Because of the scarcity of options we would see a very flawed movie like Oliver and Company and have a good time with it. It felt more special because it kind of was. I think you could say the same thing for a movie like Space Jam. It’s not a very good movie but it was an animated comedy and we didn’t get many of those.
Compare the experience of Oliver and Company with the recent release of Smurfs: the Lost Village. I liked the film but it did not do well at the box office. Critics were pretty harsh on it and audiences weren’t drawn to it. Imagine if that was the only animated film of the year? People would have went to it and enjoyed it.
But on the other hand, a plethora of options can be a great thing. To use 2016 as an example we got so much great animation. I had 9 animated films in my top 25 of the year and they all deserved their spot. In one year I was treated to Zootopia, Moana, Your Name, The Red Turtle, Kubo and the Two Strings and more.
On the other hand, I can’t help but compare my experience as a little girl watching Little Mermaid and obsessing about it for 3 years hard core. Kids don’t do that as much now because the next movie has come in the next month and they’ve moved on. It seems like movies like Zootopia and Moana aren’t as special as they would have been in the 90s. Not because they aren’t great films, because they are, but because we simply have so many other options.
It is even worse with TV where the options are endless. Literally every day I hear about a new show I have to see. At least with movies I can pump it out in 2 hours where a TV show requires so much investment. A side of me misses the day when there were 10 channels and you found something to entertain you on that channel. Now we have the networks, premium channels, streaming and even online providers and youtubers.
I end up having to narrow my focus and watch animation and period pieces as top priority. Then I have innocuous comedies and food shows as my unwind. But I would love to watch Dr Who, Avatar, Legend of Kora, Steven Universe, and a million other shows. I’ve been wanting to watch the original Star Trek for forever but I’ve only seen a few episodes (which were brilliant). Even for someone like me with a flexible schedule there just isn’t enough hours in the day!
“Autonomy and Freedom of choice are critical to our well being, and choice is critical to freedom and autonomy. Nonetheless, though modern Americans have more choice than any group of people ever has before, and thus, presumably, more freedom and autonomy, we don’t seem to be benefiting from it psychologically.”
He then talks about how having a choice can make our eventual decision less satisfying:
“Schwartz finds that when people are faced with having to choose one option out of many desirable choices, they will begin to consider hypothetical trade-offs. Their options are evaluated in terms of missed opportunities instead of the opportunity’s potential….afterwards, it affects the level of satisfaction we experience from our decision.”
I feel like this is true with so many aspects of modern life. Even many deciding their major can be super overwhelming when back in my grandma’s day you just picked bachelor of arts or science and went on your merry way. Maybe there is something to that?
What do you think? Do we almost have too many choices these days and do you find it overwhelming? How do you decide what shows to watch and movies to see? Have you felt this paradox of choice with media or other part of your life? I would love to discuss it!
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I rewatched this video. As someone who had a dark time (although never suicidal), I found the video very moving. Especially the story of the man and his brother who listened.
I hope we can all be people who will listen and withhold judgement from those that are struggling with these issues. We truly all matter and add something unique to the world that nobody else can. If there is anything I can ever do I hope to have my eyes out for it and be there in the best way I know how. In the least I can pray for you when you are struggling.
No more goodbyes!
Many of you know I believe in a healthy lifestyle or the Health at Every Size Movement http://www.haescommunity.org/.
How do you determine the success of a health regiment or diet? I would wager that 90% of you would answer “weight loss” or if you didn’t you probably would be thinking ‘weight loss’ in your head but saying something more socially acceptable.
Here’s the thing- THAT IS WRONG!!
Every day there seems to be more evidence that the link between weight, even obesity, and actual health is not as strong as we once thought. This defies the logic of the ‘war on obesity’, Michele Obama, scores of trainers/dieticians but that doesn’t mean it is not true.
Read this book. It will BLOW YOUR MIND
To start the book Dr Bacon (I know ironic last name) shares her testimonial. Here it is directly from the book:
This quote might lead you to believe the book is merely anecdotal but its not. There is real science to back up what she says about eating healthy, being happy and not worrying about weight. She leaves no stone unturned answering questions about diabetes, cholesterol, heart disease, bone density, and even has the most brilliant defense against gastric bypass I’ve ever read. I’m telling you it will change the way anyone, not just the obese, look at eating, health and exercise. Here is my favorite (this is also quoted in Amy Farrell’s brilliant book Fat Stigma):
“In this study, a group of fat women was divided into 2 groups, one receiving coaching in restrictive eating (diet) and exercise, the other being encouraged to eat a healthy diet, listen to their bodies cues, to foster ways to engage in fun exercise and take part in a fat acceptance discussion group.
Significantly group 1- the traditional diet/exercise group- initially lost weight, but by the end half had dropped out; most had regained weight; blood pressure, cholesterol, and other metabolic measures had not improved and self-esteem levels had dropped.
In contrast, group 2 hadn’t lost any weight, but most stayed with the 2 year program; their blood pressure, cholesterol, and other metabolic measures had improved dramatically; their self-esteem levels increased substantially; and they exercised regularly. Encouraged to pay attention to their bodies, to stop restricting calories, to fight the discrimination they experienced as fat people, and to enjoy their bodies through physical movement and eating well- the non-dieters showed significant health improvements. But, and this is the key point, they never became thin.”
Doesn’t that blow your mind?
One of Dr. Bacon’s patients describes her battle and realization of her own worth so beautifully:
I recently have become aware of the activist Jeanette DePatie, otherwise known as The Fat Chick. She gets it. I wish someone had explained this to me when I started exercising (instead I went into it expecting to lose 100 lbs in the first year. Sigh…)
I am happy most of the time. I love my life most of the time. I have times when I’m more fit than others but I’ve basically looked the same since I was 17 years old and I was always ashamed by that, like it was this big failure I could never overcome. Now I just make sure I have clothes that fit me in lots of sizes and work out at least 3 times a week. Would I like to be skinny? Yes, but I’m finally not convinced I’d be any happier if I was (or healthier). The guilt is for the most part gone.
I hope this encourages all of you. I started my journey saying I was the Only Happy Fat Woman in America and I had friends who fought me on it. They thought I was just being patronizing or disingenuous but it was true then and today it is still true (I really had someone argue with me saying I was basically full of crap. Not true). TV will make you believe you have to be miserable if you are fat (biggest loser sorry) but its a lie! Be healthy, be happy, be human, have bad days, eat cake and then work out for an hour the next day, find stuff you love, therapies that work and live the best life you can.
Every time Tanya and I swim together people look and have a surprised expression. I know they think ‘I’ve never seen a girl that looks like do what they are doing’ and that makes me so happy. It may be my greatest legacy of all.
So thats what I have to say on that. Get active. Be happy. Love life and Follow God.
I would also just add that my times in the water when I’m at my thinnest and best trained is about 3 minutes faster than when I’m not. My recovery is much better but my time really isn’t. Funny. It just goes to show what your definition of success makes such a difference in achieving it. If I was only focused on times I’d never be successful.
When I decided to do NaNoWriMo I asked my friends if any of them would be interested in guest blogging so that I could focus on my book. I was surprised by the response I got and below is the first guest entry. It is by my friend Nancy who has a special needs son. I had asked her a few weeks ago what was the best way to help a family with a special needs son in my ward. I didn’t want to come across as patronizing or rude but instead helpful and loving.
Nancy gave me some good advice and I suggested she summarize her thoughts for this blog. I hope it starts a discussion and helps make us all better. Perhaps if church is not a part of your life you can apply the same suggestions to other situations where you interact with special needs families, making our world a tiny bit better and more Christlike.
Children with Special Needs and Their Moms
My name is Nancy and I am guest posting for Rachel this month. I have had a hard time blogging on my own blog but feel honored to post for her. Rachel and I served a mission in the same mission. I left as she came. My mission prepared me with a few things that would and have helped me in my life. However, it didn’t prepare me for what was fully in store.
In 2005 we found out we were expecting our first child. I was attending the University of Utah and had already applied and started school. We were very newly married and thought we had the whole world figured out. We had planned that I would finish my semester at school and be on my last final and would go and be induced the next day. Our official due date was December 25.
The last week in August we found out we were having a boy. We were very excited and scared and the reality that we were having a baby was setting in. September brought chaos. Tyler decided to arrive 15 weeks early and was born September 21st weighing 1 lb. 11 oz.
our full story can be found on my blog.
Tyler is now 7. He has several diagnoses and is disabled. He has cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus and is legally blind. Tyler is not in a wheel chair but has very obvious disabilities. He is much delayed and doesn’t act 7, but ranges in abilities from about 2-7. Some days are challenging.
One of the hardest things to do is to go to church with Tyler. In Nursery he had a walker so he was not allowed to go in with his walker because it was a hazard to the other kids, and it really pushed us away for a while. It was easier to not go. As he was older, we have gone back and been active, and inactive, depending on the season. Seems weird to some, but we do what we have to sometimes.
Here are some things that might help others understand disabilities and church and how to approach a mom/dad with special needs and a few big things NOT to say!
So here are some don’ts:
- Do NOT attend church if you are sick. If you have been around people who are sick, have had a fever, or just don’t feel well. Kids with special needs tend to have a compromised immune system. Places like church are a breeding ground for sickness. A cold to you is a life threatening illness to them.
- Don’t tell the parents that it is a “blessing to have a child like that.” Because the truth is, it’s very hard and most people go through a period where they don’t feel it is a blessing. It can also be a source of anger towards Heavenly Father.
- Don’t be afraid to wonder what is wrong with their child and especially don’t be afraid to ask. Better ask than stare.
For the do’s: (Because there are more positives that you CAN do than not!)
- Ask AND MEAN what can I do to help? Having a kiddo with special needs is HARD stuff and moms with those kinds of kiddos are tough as nails and don’t have time to sift through the fluff of who is just saying it and who isn’t.
- Don’t be afraid to ask what their diagnosis is, what it means and offer something to help during church. I haven’t sat through a church service in 7 years. Ty gets overwhelmed. It would be nice to have someone offer to sit out in the foyer for part of sacrament, so I can listen every once in a while.
- Understand that we are trying to keep our kids quiet and when you see a seven year old playing fetch with his brother in church it isn’t what we WANT them to do, but what we have him do so we can go to church.
- When they don’t whisper, understand it is ok. Heavenly Father doesn’t’ really care if they are quiet or not. And then, reach up and ask if it is ok if you take him for a walk. Moms are so embarrassed by the loudness of their child, but a quick walk outside is refreshing. We would do it ourselves, but having someone offer gives everyone more blessings. Us for going to church and you for serving.
Those are the ones that I can think of. Heavenly Father understands why you miss church when you are sick; he understands why we stay home if we need to. He understands so much more than what we do as church members. Special needs are hard and not everyone ever accepts it as “Gods will.” It takes a toll on a marriage, family and the child who has the disability. But it also does bless us. I know for us, our testimony of unconditional love is one that only a parent of a child who has accountability missing could have. They don’t know or understand hate.
As the mom of one of these awesome kiddo’s, I appreciate all that anyone is willing to do to learn about my child and how to help him have a better experience. I am willing to talk to anyone about him. I am willing to share a bit of his amazing spirit with anyone who is willing.
So I know I say things like this all the time but it doesn’t make it any less true- today was one of the best days of my life! It was so wonderful! Its hard to believe that I ever contemplated doing anything else and that I could be the same human being that was so miserable on Tuesday. I wish I wasn’t such a spazz and had a constant, even tone to my days but alas that’s just not my style.
The one thing about an insanely hard week with a seemingly impossible deadline and a near-panic attack is that everything can only go up from there and boy did it. I’m so glad I decided to spend the money (and it wasn’t too bad actually) and treat myself to a weekend of rehabilitation and rejuvenation. I needed it so badly!
For starters I finished the month end in time!!!! I still can’t believe it! Hurray! Heavenly Father really does answer prayers and help you do the impossible when you have faith. Seriously.
So done with my Friday free (hurray!) I set out for a massage at my gym. (Would have asked my dear friend Jill but she had to take a 9 to 5’er for insurance 😦 ). Anyway, got a one hour massage and it was heaven. Seriously if I was rich I’d have a massage every week.
Oh I forgot I got to the massage late because I was cleaning my car because my folks are using it this week and guess what I threw into the recycle dumpster? Yes, my keys. It was quite the endeavor to get them out climbing up on a laundry basket that was in the dumpster and hurling myself into the cardboard. It actually hurt and I have bruises but I got the keys! Nothing was going to get me down!
After the massage I got the car wash and then headed to the hotel. I am staying that the City Center Marriott in Salt Lake. I stayed here once before when in 2007 I along with 4 of my friends celebrated the last day of a job I hated and the beginning of a happy Rachel. It is honestly one of the happiest memories of my life. So, naturally I have a special fondness for the hotel and its luxurious accomadations (amazing robes, tons of pillows, soft sheets, thick curtains etc). Just look at the pillows!
They weren’t ready for me right away so I went off to have some lunch. At first I walked the wrong way and so I asked these businessmen if they knew of any good lunch places. “There’s Carl’s Jr” they responded. Isn’t that rude? For all they knew I was a visitor to their city. I would never do that. Anyway, nothing was going to get me down so I headed the other way and went to wells fargo to deposit a check and asked the teller if he knew a good place “The Robin’s Nest” he said. It was just around the corner so I went and checked it out.
I figure in lunch places it is always a good sign when the line is long and the tables are full. This was the case at Robin’s Nest. Everything was delicious from the bread to the orzo side pasta. I got the gobbler (turkey ‘thanksgiving’ style sandwich with cranberry relish, mayo, lettuce ect). The half was huge and the lunch combo came with drink (fresh squeezed lemonade no extra), orzo pasta or chips and a dessert bite (I got the lemon square although everything looked fabulous). I heard Bobby Flay say that ‘delicious’ was passe as a food adjective so I’m not sure what word to use. It was scrumptious. Perfect lunch.
Once I checked into the hotel I read for a little bit on my fluffy pillows and then napped for about 30 minutes. Feeling great I headed up to the pool/hot tub and had a great swim. As a Masters Swimmer (I was going to say competitive but I don’t know if last in every race really counts as competitive) I naturally always wear training swimsuits. So, it is nice to occasionally swim just for fun and wear a suit that feels a tiny bit more attractive. Is that terrible to say?
At the pool they had this sign that made me laugh. Kind of a challenge to the whole weekend in a way!
After a refreshing and relaxing swim/soak I came back and read some more and worked on my novel. It’s just a silly thing I’ve toyed with over the years. I am going to finish it for the national novel writing month in November. If I don’t I have to do a polar bear swim! (Its a bet with my friend Abby).
Next up I went headed to dinner. My friend Heidi had recommended The Copper Onion to me and as it is minutes from my hotel I thought it’d be a perfect fit. Boy was she right. I have never been to such a nice restaurant in my life. Everything was beautifully presented and tasted sublimely good. Best restaurant meal I’ve ever had.
I decided to try different things. Be bold and daring because that’s the kind of day it was! So here are the courses:
For appetizer crispy pork belly salad with pickled vegetables. I’ve always wanted to try pork belly and it did not disappoint. The salad was rich, decadent, salty, sweet, spicy (pickled jalapenos). So good!
Then I got the duck which I’ve never had before. I’ve always heard it was too fatty and I hate eating chicken fat. Figured wouldn’t like duck fat any more than chicken. But this was perfectly cooked. The fat was completely rendered out with a crispy skin, cooked medium rare. Then underneath the duck breast was duck confit (holy cow yum!) and a baby portabello mushroom that was the best mushroom I’ve ever had. All accompanied with a butternut squash puree that was like butter and a mixed green salad with roasted peppitas. (Salivating yet? Wait until you see the photo).
Then for dessert I had a chocolate pudding that was divine. It was rich with a crunchy topping and whipped cream. It had sea salt or something sprinkled in to counter the sweetness.
I cleaned my plate in every course but the great thing is I didn’t feel stuffed or even overly-full. I felt perfectly satisfied. The food was not overflowing like at chains but it was all delicious and memorable, which I’d take any day over quantity. I got all of that delicious food plus a drink for $40. Doesn’t that seem like a pretty good deal? You’d pay triple that in New York or San Fran.
The thing I appreciated the most about the restaurant was how accommodating they were to me as a single diner. I’ve tried to eat at nicer places by myself and felt literally singled out and that I was an inconvenience for a busy waiter wanting more tips. This is why I usually get take out not because I’m afraid of being alone at a meal but because it isn’t a pleasant experience as a rule.
Tonight was totally different. First of all The Copper Onion has a bar (a suggestion I often give single diners as it easy to find someone to talk with and does not feel so isolating as a big empty table) with a separate bar menu but they also have what they call the counter. This is like a separate bar area that faces the chefs. It was so much fun seeing everything get made and smelling all the dishes! My waitress was wonderful. Kind, accommodating and extremely knowledgeable about the entire menu (she was partly responsible for my bold orders!). See the smile on my face!
The meal was sublime and when I finished it was 6:50 and as I walked past The Broadway theater next door to the restaurant I noticed that Perks of Being a Wallflower was playing at 7. Perfect timing! The Broadway is one of the only independent theaters in Utah and while many of their choices seem a bit dreary for my tastes this was a film I’d been wanting to see.
It is definitely not for everyone but I loved it. Its funny, sad, different and the dialogue is perfect. I think it is one of the few movies I’ve seen that gets the feel a high school experience right. Most movies about teenagers feel like the show Glee that is mostly starring 30 year old actors in high school. This was much more authentic. I don’t know if I totally bought some of the darker elements but still very emotionally satisfying to see something original and different. I felt inspired!
Here’s the thing that made today special. I have obviously lived alone for many years of my adult life. I’ve gone to movies alone, eaten alone, even went on a cruise alone, but I don’t’ know if I have ever spent a day with basically no companionship and had such a spectacular time. It is really gratifying to know that I can be that happy all by myself. I think I have to remember that when I’m feeling lost and out of control. I have the power to feel happy all by myself even without all the luxurious trappings to prop me up.
I feel proud of myself. I did something that nobody else I know to my knowledge has done. I spent the whole day by myself and had a spectacular time. Granted most everyone I know doesn’t even have that option but still its nice to know I can do it.
Even more than that, its nice to know I can relax like a real human being. Feels like forever since I’ve relaxed. Since Hawaii for sure. And how great to have achieved my Hawaii zen right in my own hometown for pennies on the dollar of what I’d spend on any trip, anywhere. What a freeing concept! I look forward to many more adventures! It’d be great if some of my friends joined me but also great to do it alone. How freeing is that?
Most importantly I feel like I can conquer the world again. I wish I didn’t get the anxiety and I am getting better at dealing with it but I’m grateful in a way for it because it forced me to take action and create happiness for myself. I learned that making a decision is a freeing experience and then planning for joy is the only way to really get it. Rarely is it presented to you for free.
I’m grateful to God for giving me this day. In the world of billions of souls going about there day He proved once again this week to me that HE KNOWS ME and HE WORKS MIRACLES! I can’t wait to hear Him speak through His prophets tomorrow. I will have notebook in hand and am confident I will receive instruction and inspiration. I am so blessed. I am so grateful. I am so inspired. I am so HAPPY!