I know some of you follow me on social media so you know I have been and am extremely sick. Particularly Sunday through Tuesday I was some of the sickest I’ve ever been in my adult life. I couldn’t breathe fully, was coughing non-stop, very congested (went through a box and half of tissues in that time), wheezy breathing, body aches and lots of awfulness.
You might not know because I am so public and bold but I actually lead a fairly lonely life. Most of that is my choice. I work alone and I am unmarried. Most of my good friends have moved away from me and so I rely on book clubs and other monthly events for socializing and real-world contact. The Summer is better because I meet friends for swims quite a bit. Anyway, my family doesn’t live by me either except for some cousins and my Grandma. My parents are moving here which will be nice and my brother was going to school for Fall/Winter but for the most part I am alone.
Normally I am fine being alone but when I get sick it is tough. It is especially so when I am this sick. It was painful to breathe let alone cook, clean, drive or do anything else. So I was pretty miserable (as my twitter followers can attest to!).
Finally Tuesday morning I had slept about 2 hours in 3 days and I hit my low. I called my Mom and sobbed but it was the weird halting coughing sob where she couldn’t understand a thing I said. I told her I wished I could fly her out to take care of me. For once in my life I needed help. I couldn’t do it alone any more. I was just kind of venting but I really was at a genuine low place.
However, I’m a pretty independent person so I think she knew it was pretty bad. To my shock a few hours later she texted me ‘I got a plane ticket. I will be there 7:30 tonight”. I couldn’t believe it! She was coming to rescue me. She wouldn’t normally be able to do such a thing (she still has a child at home and is in the middle of a move and is Relief Society President at church) but it just happened where it could work out.
I’ll never forget this thing she has done. I can promise you that. When I’m old and feeble and she’s long gone I will talk about the time my Mother flew across 4 states at a moments notice to rescue me.
My friend who does not have a relationship with her mother (a very toxic woman she’s better off not having in her life) made a very powerful comment:
“This post makes me happy. I’m glad you have a parent who will come help you. I’m so glad you don’t take that for granted. While I hate that you aren’t well, I am glad you got to feel the love of a parent in action.”
It really is true. I am not someone who has a ton of love in my life. I do not have a great partner or spouse. I have never really been romantically in love. And I have no children to understand that love. I understand friendship and treasure those relationships but it feels good to know I’m a girl who is loved by her Mother. Loved enough to come and rescue me.
It made a big difference too. I went and saw the doctors in the morning, which I wouldn’t have done because I went to urgent care on Sunday. They did blood-work and an x-ray because they were concerned about the wheezing. He gave me a steroid that has helped a lot with the coughing and a new antibiotic. The difference between today and Tuesday is huge.
Sure the medical care is nice but I think the love helped too.
I’ll keep you guys posted on how my recovery is going. Hopefully I don’t have pnemonia or something like that. I am also soooo thankful to my boss for being wonderful through all this. I am incredibly blessed woman.
I hope you all feel loved and when you are in need of rescue someone is there. Sure love ya!
This my friends is post 999 of this blog, which obviously means my next post will be my 1000th silly thought to all of you. That’s 7 years of writing my life. 1000 posts! Can you believe it?
I thought long and hard on what to do to commemorate such an achievement and here’s what I’ve decided This post I am going to share with you my favorite post. Then for the 1000th I am going to revisit the very first post I ever did called The Freedom of Joblessness.
So out of 1000 posts which one is my favorite? It’s tough. They are all kind of my babies and I worked very hard on them. But there is one post that was very difficult for me to write. A post where I took a real risk and probably opened myself up more than any other post (which is saying a lot!).
I didn’t know how people would respond but was overwhelmed by people who told me, mostly privately, that my story was also theirs.
In the post I admitted to the world that I have never fallen in love like it is some kind of disease or confession:
“I’m 33 years old. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never had a break up or a heartache. I’ve never had anything more than a crush from time to time and I honestly do not know why. I really don’t.”
And there it was out there for the world to see. For a while I felt a little embarrassed but why? It’s not like I had done something foolish or wrong. I just hadn’t fallen in love yet.
Worried I would get people trying to make me feel better I implored them to let me work this problem out to its completion.
“Now before I start this line of thought- please, don’t placate me with assurances of my finding the right person and promises in heaven and not loosing hope. I know such things and I agree but just for a second I want to put a question I’ve asked myself many times out there for all of you-
What if a human being never falls in love? Can you live a full life and never fall in love?”
That last question is one I am still pondering. We after all believe in eternal families as fundamental to Heavenly Father’s plan. So I don’t know if it is possible to live a full life and never fall in love. I really don’t.
So what do you do?
“Nothing. As far as I have been able to figure out you just wait. Yes, you can workout and go to activities, date whenever you can, but none of that is any guarantee of falling in love. Believe me I know.
You certainly can and must always be hopeful and happy with what you can control but it will probably always be this big part of being human that you don’t completely understand”
But here’s the key that I learned from writing the post.
“I guess the only thing I can say to my fellow love-lorn is that everyone has an ache of some kind…Everyone has regrets and wishes for something they never quite experienced and never enjoyed. That’s what the atonement is for.
After all, as far as we know, Jesus never fell in love either, so we are in pretty good company”
And then I shared a talk from Dennis E Simmons where he talks about faith and the ‘but if not’ moments of life. Having hope yet not finding love surely qualifies as such a moment.
At the end of the post I spoke out to those who are struggling and I think it encapsulates well why this blog is powerful at least to me.
“Hang in there! I know I’m not the only person out there who has wondered about this. Please share your stories”
Through this blog I have been able to see I am not the only person out there. Whether it is something silly as finding another soul who loves You’ve Got Mail or The Book Thief as much as I do or someone with a history of bullying or someone who loves to swim like I do, it is all so valuable to me.
It makes me feel like my life actually matters to someone and no post shows that more than Never Fall in Love.
What is your favorite post? Have any impacted you or your life?
Yesterday my book club met and we talked about Sherlock Holmes. It was a bit of a scattered book club but it worked and we had a lovely conversation. We talked about the cases, Sherlock and Watson’s relationship, and many other aspects of the first 12 cases from 221 Baker Street
One of the points of discussion was about Sherlock’s supposed oblivion or lack of need for human affection, relationships, love and marriage. He is basically an asexual being that focuses on reason not passion. He chooses not to fall in love.
But, what if it isn’t a choice? What if it just doesn’t happen?
Now before I start this line of thought- please, don’t placate me with assurances of my finding the right person and promises in heaven and not loosing hope. I know such things and I agree but just for a second I want to put a question I’ve asked myself many times out there for all of you-
What if a human being never falls in love? Can you live a full life and never fall in love?
An analysis of literature, film, art, music, history and even human psychology would say NO. An article I saw recently said that 92% of pop music was about love. I am certain any other genre would be similar in results. It is hard to think of anything in modern or ancient culture that doesn’t at least tangentially involve love, sensuality, marriage or companionship with perhaps death and God being close behind.
But what do I mean by love?
Well, let’s go with the Greek definition. They said there are 4 types of love:
agape- selfless love. Kind of like the what the bible calls charity. It’s a hope for the goodness in the world. An unselfishness and service to those around you without wanting anything in return. it’s the kind of love we talk about at Christmas and that makes Scrouge a better person when he develops it.
eros- sensual love. Passion, is the root for the word erotica and eroticism. As far as I can tell this love usually requires human contact more than words, or feelings.
storge- familial love. Like the kind of attachment a mother feels for a child, brother to brother etc.
philia- friendship love. for Aristotle the greatest kind of love. Friendship, loyalty, human understanding and commitment. Like minds and devotion. Root word for philanthropy. I guess my lack of eros makes philia mean so much to me. I know many who seem fine without friends but to me loyalty, commitment and friendship are everything.
So just as a mental exercise bear with me- what if you miss out on 1 of the 4? What if you never seem to make any real friends? What if you have broken relationships with family and can never make that work? What if you never have any passion with another person?
What does that mean for your life?
I don’t know. I really don’t.
I’m 33 years old. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never been kissed. I’ve never had a break up or a heartache. I’ve never had anything more than a crush from time to time and I honestly do not know why. I really don’t.
Some may say it has to do with my weight but then I see girls much heavier than I that meet, date and marry successfully. I know a woman who has been married 4 times. That boggles my mind. How can she find 4 men who want to be with her and I can’t even get a kiss? Sigh…
Again, I’m not saying this for pity or reassurances. I really want to ask the question- can you live a full life and not fall in love? I think most people would try to answer yes to make me feel better but if they really thought about their own lives and if they had never had that experience it would feel pretty empty.
So what do we who have never fallen in love do? That’s the frustrating part. Nothing. As far as I have been able to figure out you just wait. Yes, you can workout and go to activities, date whenever you can, but none of that is any guarantee of falling in love. Believe me I know. You certainly can and must always be hopeful and happy with what you can control but it will probably always be this big part of being human that you don’t completely understand.
I think you will always have a little ache in the back of your heart that everyone else got to experience something so primal and basic and you were left out. I read an article today saying that the average human being falls in love 4 times in their life.
Unfortunately in any study there are always outliers and if you are one of them, I get it. I know what you are feeling.
I guess the only thing I can say to my fellow love-lorn is that everyone has an ache of some kind. Nobody has all 4 of the loves perfectly in their life. Everyone has regrets and wishes for something they never quite experienced and never enjoyed. That’s what the atonement is for.
After all, as far as we know, Jesus never fell in love either, so we are in pretty good company on that one. He loves us and that has always carried me through.
Hang in there! I know I’m not the only person out there who has wondered about this. Please share your stories.
Anyway, I just wanted to put that question out to the world. What if it never happens?
Just wanted to share this video I made with you my awesome readers. I made it to try and conquer the challenge that is being single on valentines day. Please share it with those that find themselves in a similar spot and could use it. Happy Valentines Day!
So I Nanowrimo is coming up and I thought it would be fun to post another section of my last book. In the story the 2 characters have spent a lot of time together but have never actually been on a date, so the male character decides to set up what he calls the ‘superdate’. This is an all day affair that tries to help the female character conquer her fears, make her feel bold and empowered.
Remember this is a romance and it is not supposed to be realistic. Dating can be anything but super but I thought it was fun and these stories require a little bit of fantasy so enjoy.
With lunch done there are a few more hours of work and then it is time for the big date. Oliver comes up to me and is visibly excited and this makes me excited!
“Let’s go!” I squeal with delight.
Oliver makes me close my eyes as we pull up to a big cement building. As he guides me inside like a blind person I feel anxious with anticipation.
“Open your eyes!” Oliver says. I look and at first am disappointed when I see what looks like an old grimy gym. “Where are we?”
“It’s called American Boxing. You can do boxing, mixed martial arts, kickboxing, whatever” he says with enthusiasm.
I give him a skeptical look. Sometimes I wondered if he saw me through some type of magic filter. “I don’t know if I can punch and kick like that” I say pointing to the all of the boxers who seem to kick and punch so hard and high.
“You don’t have to be like them but trust me you will love it. I bet you’ll become addicted to it. Give it a shot”.
“Ok. Why not!”
The teacher is named Isabella and she is a stunning athlete with rich Latino features and a big smile. I look at her and look at me in the mirror and then look at Oliver. I don’t get it. You could date her, I think, what are you doing with me? Anticipating my thoughts he gives my hand a little squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. I melt a little bit. Whatever he wants me to do I will try!
“First you wrap your hands” he says handing me a long pink roll that looks like an ace bandage for an ankle or wrist.
This looks tricky but with his help I get them over my hands until I look like a pink mummy. Then the red boxing gloves come over the wrapped hands. It feels heavy but not as awkward as I might have expected.
Isabella holds up 2 punching mitts and shows me how to do a basic jab, undercuts and round kicks. At first I worry about punching Isabella in the face but she seems to catch everything I do. After about 15 minutes of awkward kicks and punches I forget where I’m at and it all feels more natural. Kick, jab, and kick, uppercut, jab, and kick. Before I know it 30 minutes has come and gone and I’m gasping from the exertion. I’ve even forgotten about Oliver for a second but I look over at him and his mouth is agape. “Whoa! You were awesome! I think we have found your gift!”
“Really? You really think so?”
“Yes, it was awesome!” Isabella agrees. “We will definitely have to get you in here again soon. Let’s set it up!” I can’t believe that anyone thinks I can be good at something like this and that maybe I am? It’s just an activity I never even considered. It is so exciting!
“All right. Let’s set up another appointment.” I grab my phone from my purse and schedule ‘Meet Isabel’ for later that week.
I’m so thrilled by my unexpected success that I give Oliver a big kiss in front of Isabella and everyone. It feels exciting and passionate. Perfect for a super date!
“Ready to move on to the next adventure?” Oliver asks me?
“What else could we be doing? This was awesome!”
Back into the car we go and he makes me close my eyes again.
“All right. Phase 2 has begun. Open your eyes”. I look and it’s another cement building but after having so much fun the last time I decide to give Oliver the benefit of the doubt and head inside.
‘We are going to learn how to shoot! This is something I’ve never done so I thought it would be fun for both of us” he says.
“I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that! This is awesome!” I say with delight. I have always wanted to learn how to shoot. Strange I know but true!
Our instructor Ray gives us the massive ear covers and teaches us how to aim, shoot and withstand the force of the shot. Keeping the target relatively close I take aim and fire! The bullet goes in the posters shoulder.
“That’s good for your first time” the Instructor says. Oliver tries and has better luck closer to the heart. Wet a couple rounds for each of us and honestly at the end my shoulder and arms are sore (especially after the boxing!).
“That was awesome! I loved it!” Then I add “Thank you so much” I give Oliver another kiss.
“You’re kind of cute with a gun.” he says with a wink.
“Gosh I love you!” I say with a smile and give him another kiss.
“I love you too!” he says and we head out of the building. All it took was shooting and boxing but we had both said we loved each other. The big L word! This was definitely the best day of my life! I can tell that he is thrilled with the moment also. His smile says all the work on the super date was just made worthwhile!
“One more stop!” he says with excitement.
“What, no. This is enough!” I protest.
“We’ve got to eat something! He says.
Again he gets me into the car and makes me close my eyes. And again he tells me when to look.
When I open my eyes I see another cement building. At first I don’t get it and then I see it is Mel’s Wing House. What on earth?
When we get seated Oliver will not let me order but places it at the front desk away from me. The wings arrive and they look delicious but before I dive in Oliver gives me a warning.
“These are the fieriest wings they make. You’ll love it!”
With great trepidation I pick up a wing and take a bite. “Oh my gosh! That is so hot!” I grab a drink of milk and Oliver laughs. My eyes are watering and my mouth feels numb.
“Try one more and here are some lighter ones as well but the spicy really does have a deeper flavor”
After about 3 of the spicy and a few of the mild I can start to appreciate the experience of eating the spicy wing. It shocks you but that is part of the fun of it and eating above all things should be fun shouldn’t it?
“It’s delicious! Thank you. I’m so excited to know about this place. It is totally the type of place that I would never have gone to on a date before but it’s delicious.”
“Why wouldn’t you have gone here on a date?” he asks
“Because it’s messy and unladylike. I would have been afraid of spilling on my clothes. I had about 3 items I could order on a date and most of them required a lot of cutting with a knife and fork. No fingers.”
“I’m glad we met in the way we did. You weren’t trying to impress anyone and neither was I.”
“Me too. We could always be real with one another. Once you are caught crying about your mother visiting it is hard to be not be real” I say with a smile. I had sauce all over my fingers and my lips felt fiery with all the heat. When we kissed his lips felt spicy and it made my whole body tingle. It was certainly clear to me why Oliver had picked this restaurant.
As my body and mouth started to cool down I could feel the chili peppers in my stomach. I hope I didn’t get sick but luckily the wing place had frozen yogurt as well and that helped cool everything down. It was all unforgettable! The whole night was unforgettable. It really was the super date.
“So you did it. Best date in history! I only have one question for you…” I say with a flirty smile.
“What’s that?” he asks
“How are you going to top this? Setting the bar pretty high for the first date don’t you think?”
“That’s how I intend to do things! Set the bar high and keep jumping over it”
“I have one more question for you” I say with a slight degree of awkwardness. This is the big question. “Why me?” I couldn’t help for a second to think of Isabella at the gym. “You could have anyone you want. Why me?”
“I could ask the same thing of you. Why would you a master’s graduate want to be with someone who is a college dropout? Believe me I’m every bit as insecure about that as you are about your weight. “
“But that doesn’t matter to me at all” I say in amazement.
“See, I feel the same way about you. Will you finally believe me?” he says
I look into his eyes deep inside. I have to know for sure and I finally I know. He is the real deal. He really loves me as much as I love him. Wow. I still can’t believe it!
“I meant what I said earlier. I love you! I’ll never be perfectly secure but maybe if I am loved by someone as great as you it will get better. It’s been such a long year I don’t know what I think about myself. On one hand I feel strong and the other it has been a very weak year. Panic attacks, anxiety and more”
Another kiss and I look down and ask one more question “What would you think if I still quit my job?”
He looked surprised but nodded “Even with all the changes Rich has installed you still want to change?”
“Yes, I just keep getting this feeling that God needs me somewhere else. It won’t be right away but maybe at the end of the summer? Who knows why God wants us one place or another? I couldn’t tell you but I keep hearing the direction to ‘make a change’. I’ve been hearing it for three years and I can only ignore it for so long. Believe me I know what it feels like to push against what God wants you to do and it is not a pleasant experience.”
“If that is what God wants you to do than he will prepare a way for you to accomplish it? Go for it!” he said with more enthusiasm than I expected.
“It seems crazy to quit a job with benefits and good pay in this economy but I’ll end up having another panic attack if I don’t follow what God has in line for me.”
“Who cares what other people think? Your family and friends will support you and that’s what matters.” He says
“You are right.” I feel like this was the lesson I have to keep relearning again and again throughout my life. “Don’t’ care so much about what other people think” my mother used to say. Caring what others would think of me had caused my panic attack and yet I couldn’t quite get it out of my head. Perhaps nobody can but I will try and do better at it. I know my life would be a lot happier if I could figure out that one thing.
“I’m not sure when I will make the announcement but it will be such a crazy day. I think I will talk it over with my Dad while he is here because the last thing I want to do is appear ungrateful”
“That’s that caring what other people think thing again…” he says.
“Oh yeah, darn it but it is good to be considerate of other people’s feelings” I say in response.
“True. Just be cautious and don’t use other people’s opinions as validation for your own self-worth. That is the most important thing. God should tell you who you are and your value not any person, even me” he says.
“Do me one favor” he adds “give me a couple days heads notice when you are leaving. That might be a good time for another super date!”
“Deal! If it’s anything like this night I am in for a treat. It has honestly been the best night of my life! Thank you so much!” I say with glee, giving him one longer, soft, still a little spicy kiss.
“By the way, I think it might be a good idea for us to implement a new rule, I will call it the 20 seconds in heaven rule.”
“What is that?” he asks with a questioning expression.
“It’s that we cannot kiss for more than 20 seconds especially when we are alone.” I then explain that I made a promise to God years ago that I would remain morally pure until marriage and it’s just too darn fun and exciting to kiss him. “I don’t want to risk breaking a promise to God.”
“That’s going to be hard but I agree. Most of the married couples I know who waited seem to have the best marriages. I think if we work together on this we can do it.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more than at this moment. Let’s do it!” and then we kiss maybe longer than 20 seconds. It will take some getting used to! At least we are heading in the right direction and on the same page.
“Life is certainly going to be interesting the next few months. I’m curious to see how it all turns out” I say with a sigh.
“Me too. Curious and excited! Let’s go home. I’m exhausted. “
So that was the end of the super date. The great thing was each part of the date was repeating many times in the months to come. I started going to the boxing gym at least twice a week and the wings joint became a regular favorite. I would certainly never look at hot sauce the same way. Probably the greatest blessing of the super date is I learned ways to release adrenalin, aggression and frustration in healthy productive ways. It was so exciting and I was so grateful for Oliver to introducing me to every part. My rapid heartbeat lessened with each balanced happy day and I became all the closer to being an anxious free, happy person.
So yesterday I posted my dating resume to the blog and it got a ton of hits. Originally it was more of a joke than a serious dating idea but maybe I’m on to something? My friend suggested I simply the post the resume and that seemed like a good idea.
So forgive the repetition but here goes.
Here’s some things about me to recommend me to your single friends out there:
I’m in my early 30s and look like this
I’m a great athlete and love beautiful lakes, rivers and oceans. Swam 5 open water swims with 2 more to come this year.
I also can kick most anybody’s butt. I’m tough as nails. MMA is my specialty.
I’m also a great reader, philosopher and deep thinker. Love good conversation and debate.
I also love the arts, movies, music and theater and the symphony. Here I am after performing at Hale Center Theater
I take great joy in writing both this blog and my recently completed nanowrimo book
Looking for a great cook? I’m that too. I love to entertain and form groups. I’ve had a book club for over 3 years and I give cooking lessons to my friends.
I’m also a great friend and aunt. Loyalty, honesty and friendship are everything to me. Always have been.
My friend Emily and I at a book signing
Stephanie, Angie, Camille and I in Hawaii. Dear friends
Emilee and Rachel in Hawaii (I love Hawaii and love to travel)
I work from home for Poler LLC and love being my own boss and having freedom
Lastly my faith is everything. Without it I would just be an anxiety ridden, unhappy mess. I would sooner give up breathing than give up my faith.
So there you go. That’s my online resume for any guys out there to read. I think I’m pretty great. Not perfect but got a lot going for me. I’m fun and try really hard to be a good friend. I work hard, am honest and I know what my many flaws are and am working to do better.
So if you know someone who is single show him this page and then let him decided for himself if he wants to be set up with me. That should make your life easier. Who knows right!