Category: jokes

Someone to Take Care of Me

calvin and hobbes sickToday I am sick. Coughing and coughing. I have to say it is at moments like these that I wish I had someone to take care of me.  It might sound crazy to miss my Mother when I’m about to turn 35 but doesn’t everyone miss their mothers from time to time?

I think it is more than that.  It is that sense of someone having your back and taking care of you when you are unwell.  Most of us as adults, married or single, don’t have that.  It is probably the part of childhood we all miss the most.

It makes sense when you think about it because we are taught to be independent and strong but when we are sick that facade is gone and we are back to being needy and in pain.  Plus, I am usually very tired and worn out when I am sick.

calvin and hobbes sick2

I’m just grateful I don’t work in accounting any more so I can take the day off and get better.  In accounting it didn’t matter how sick I was.  I still had to work every day.

But I still do miss being taken care of.  On my mission I used to have these fantasies about my Mother taking care of me.  I was so tired and worn out the entire time that it was something I would dream about.  Ha! Not that much has changed.

Can anyone relate to what I am talking about?  Do you ever as an adult wish you could get taken care of?

 

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RIP Tom from Car Talk

car-talk-banner

I don’t normally get overly emotional when a famous person or celebrity dies but every once in a while someone who has touched my life, celebrity or not, will pass away and it makes me feel sad.  Today my Saturday morning friend over on NPR, Tom Magliozzi, passed away from alzheimers and it made me feel very sad.

He and his brother Ray were the hosts of NPR’s Car Talk and were better known as Click and Clack the Tappett Brothers.

Here is a tribute done on NPR today.

The thing is anyone who knows me knows I hate cars.  I hate driving.  If I could live in Manhattan and never own a car I would be a happy lady.  They are a necessary evil in my life and a royal pain in the neck.  As my Dad knows I even hate cleaning cars.  I just don’t care about cars.

And yet I liked Car Talk.  I first discovered them around 2006.  At the time I was very unhappy working as a receptionist where I would do long stretches of data entry, sometimes days of data entry.  One regular project I had was 35 pages of data for the monthly car account.

That was just one of the mindnumbingly boring chores I did for that job.  When there wasn’t a call I could put an ear bud in one ear and play some music or a podcast, so I downloaded just about everyone I could put my hands on. That is also when I started my audible account so I’ve had that for 8 years!

In fact, I preferred podcasts to music because it was less distracting and made me feel like I was having some human contact in my cubicle cell.  I could be doing the most boring task imaginable and listening to a podcast on books or science and feel like my brain was getting some aerobics in the day.

In all those podcasts I discovered Car Talk and the first episode that really made me laugh was when Tom told the story of Tanya the Trainer.  I posted this on my blog years ago and it still makes me laugh every time I read it.

I was hooked.  Tom and Ray were the embodiment of cheerfulness and joy.  Every Saturday I would turn in and laugh and smile and then I would listen to the podcast again a couple of times throughout the week.  Just a few months ago I tweeted during stopped traffic ‘thank you for Car Talk. It makes traffic liveable”.  Joyfulness and a love of life will have that effect no matter what they are talking about.

Another funny bit that was a favorite of mine is the operation vowel drop.  I’ve listened to this about a hundred times and it still cracks me up.

A recurring bit on the show was that Tom could never remember the puzzler from the previous week.  Little did we know for at least some of the years he literally could not remember.

Here was a bit where the two laughing at dementia and foreign accent syndrome.  Even though I didn’t know him his laughter was infectious and I’m sure he would want to be remembered for it.

It’s interesting that I would find Car Talk when I was so unhappy at work and listening to all those podcasts while grinding through all that data entry because Tom was somewhat of a crusader of anti-work.  He said he had an epiphany one day after commuting 45 minutes to work and almost being in a dangerous accident:

“He had a revelation that he was wasting his life. Upon arriving at work, he walked into his boss’ office and quit on the spot. He hated putting on a suit and working in the 9-to-5 world.

“He actually hated working in any world,” says his brother Ray. “Later on, when we were doing Car Talk, he would come in late and leave early. We used to warn him that if he left work any earlier, he’d pass himself coming in.”

As Tom once described his own attitude to his listeners, “Don’t be afraid of work.  Make work afraid of you. I did such a fabulous job of making work afraid of me that it has avoided me my whole life so far.”

I love that. Just when I was so miserable in my work I found a joyful spirit in someone who had found freedom from it.  Do what you have to do and do it with joy and ‘work’ in it’s 4 letter sense will leave you be.

This is another caller I love who they talked off the edge from destroying her car.  They just made you happy when you listened to them.

A friend of mine told me she didn’t like their show and I found it astounding because they are so cheerful and happy.  It’s like not liking a babies grin or dimples on a little girl.  They are so joyful.

Anyway, I just wanted to put my thoughts out there and say thanks to Tom and Ray for cheering me up all these years.  RIP Tom and my comforts to Ray and the entire Magliozzi clan.

It just shows what good a human being can do when he or she finds their calling.

They were immortalized by the Pixar folks with Ray a Volkswagen van and Tom his fabled Dodge Dart.

 

Things that are Funny: Joe Machi

It’s Friday.  It’s been a long week.  During lunch I was listening to a comic I’ve liked for a while named Joe Machi.  I always say with comedy- all I know is what I think is funny.  I have no idea if you guys will think he is funny.  He is awkward and nervous but the writing is good and it makes me laugh.

To me that was funny the gag about the bank password.

He was recently on Last Comic Standing and he was robbed!!! But I first saw him on Red Eye which is late night on the Fox News Channel (as an insomniac it has provided me with loads of entertainment).

Here’s some more of his sets on Last Comic Standing.

So if you needed a laugh hopefully that did something for you! Thanks for making me laugh Joe! What current stand up do you like?

 

Existential Dread and Bologna

So I laughed harder today than I have in many years. Yes, years. The kind of laughing where you can hardly breathe and your side aches.

What made me laugh?  Well, lately the website buzzfeed.com has been doing a bunch of surveys to determine all kinds of things like ‘Which Jane Austen Heroine are you Like?’ or ‘What superhero are you?’ etc.  They’ve become popular with my friends so I mozied on over to take a few as a lark.

The first one I got was quite the ominous survey ‘How will I die’.  I mean who doesn’t want to know that?  Would certainly help when purchasing life insurance.  So I filled out the survey and the results pop up. I am not altering this in any way.  This is what it told me:

“You will be suffocated by existential dread. An unbearable sense of the sheer pointlessness of it all, once tamped down by booze, drugs, and the occasional, ultimately meaningless sexual release, eventually becomes too much for you”

That’s rough…Who knew I was both so thoughtful and such a rebel. So existential dread is defined by our friends over at wikipedia as “It is used in English to describe an intense feeling of apprehension, anxiety, or inner turmoil. In other languages…. it is used regularly to express fear.

Also existential philosophy is the brainchild of Soren Kierkegaard. The idea is you use your brain to perfect yourself and separate from the empty, meaningless world. (Catcher in the Rye with all the ‘phonies’ is an example).  Anyway, who knew that it had such a hold on me enough so that it would suffocate me and lead to my death’.  No more deep thinking for me! 😉

‘After sitting alone thinking about the earth and all the shallowness and emptiness I thought ‘why not take another survey? I mean it won’t mean anything but I might as well’…

So I found one that seemed pretty innocuous ‘What sandwich are you?’  Perhaps I was eating lunch and needed some guidance but you won’t believe what I got as my sandwich.  Again, I am not making this up.  It said:

‘You got the Sad bologna sandwich. Look at your life. Look at your choices” Now I’m really experiencing some existential dread.  Look at my choices?  Look at my life?  I never knew I was so off track.  And it’s not just a bologna sandwich but a sad bologna sandwich.  Even my bologna is sad. Now that is existential…

What’s a girl to do?  Existential dread, a sad sandwich.  Look at my life choices…I’m a mess.  A bit of an academic mess that likes cheap mystery meat but a mess!

But then I found some comfort in an article in the Huffington Post and again I am not making this up.  It said:

“New research shows Tylenol may have the unseen psychological side-effect of easing existential dread….We think that Tylenol is blocking existential unease in the same way it prevents pain because a similar neurological process is responsible for both types of distress,”

Phew!  What a relief.  I’ve got to stock up on tylenol.

But what do I do about my sad sandwich?  And my life choices? When I see bologna in the stores it’s going to have a  whole new tragic appeal to me.  How can a sandwich be sad?  Evidently if it is my sandwich it brings on all kinds of anxiety, distress and sadness.  Perhaps the poor life choices have something to do with the tylenol too!  Maybe that will help me get a happy sandwich?

Anyway, I thought it was hilarious, but I implore all of you to watch out for any existential dread posts or if you see bologna in my fridge give me a hug and ask me how those life choices are going.  You may be my only hope!

existential dread

Laughs

Let’s lighten things up a bit…I do like to laugh just so you know.  I was thinking about it and it has been a while before a real screwball comedy made me laugh.  I guess there was Silver Linings Playbook but that definitely had drama.  I wish more clean, funny comedy was put out.  It seems in recent years most comedies have been out to shock not laugh.  Also, it is not inherently funny to have a woman acting unseemingly in and of itself.  It still has to be funny.

Lately I’ve been getting really into Studio C on BYU TV.  It is proof that you can do funny and be clean.  Sometimes I think it is funnier because it is so relatable.  You aren’t turned off by the bad language.  Do any of you watch Studio C and think it is funny?  What are your favorite bits?

You see I really am quite a cheerful person.  Today the funniest thing happened.  I was talking to my bff and I had to hang up so I could get food.  I said ‘I love you! You are awesome’ and then hung up ordered my meal.  When I went around to the window the guy at taco time said ‘I love you too.  You are awesome’.  It was pretty funny.  You have to be able to laugh at life or the tough times will drive you crazy.  There is a Bill Cosby bit about going to the dentist that no matter how often I listen to it I laugh my head off.  It is great therapy when you feel worn down by a week.  I highly recommend it.

Well, I thought it would be fun to share with you guys some things I think are funny and hopefully you will get a good laugh and have a great day:

Had to add a couple Brian Regan bits too because he’s so clean and funny too. I have yet to find anyone who didn’t find these bits to be funny and you can listen to them with your whole family.  I love playing his routines on road trips and laughing my butt off!

Anyway enjoy!  What do you all think is funny?

A Laugh for a Friday: Things We Learn from the Movies

I heard this the other day and thought it was funny.  So at the end of this long hot week have a laugh on me.

movies

Things We’ve Learned From the Movie Industry

  1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.
  2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
  3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
  5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
  7. Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children, but to you, right then and there.
  8. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
  9. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
  10. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  11. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  12. Most dogs are immortal.
  13. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  14. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.
  15. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  16. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
  17. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
  18. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  19. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  20. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  21. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  22. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  23. Kitchens don’t have light switches.
  24. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  25. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
  26. Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.
  27. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
  28. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  29. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
  30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  32. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  33. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  34. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
  35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Romney’s Funny

So I’ve been sick the last few days and been working more than I should.  I still struggle to sleep at night even when sick so after my 20 minutes of trying to go to sleep I turned on the TV and stumbled up on Mitt Romney’s remarks at the Alfred E. Smith dinner.   It made me laugh a lot.  In fact, I thought it was much funnier than anything SNL has done this season.

Favorite lines:

“…tomorrow’s headlines would read, “Obama Embraced by Catholics; Romney Dines With Rich People.”

“Usually when I get invited to gatherings like this it’s just to be designated driver”

“In the spirit of big bird this dinner is brought to you by the letter “O” and the number 16 trillion”

After looking at recent job #s President will boast “you’re better off than you were four weeks ago”

On the bias of the press, headlines will say “polls show Obama leading from behind.”

Nice to have a good laugh! Hopefully it will make a few people see Romney in a new light. Not as stiff an unapproachable as the primaries made him look.