So today I cried after church. I cry a little bit after thinking about it. Why you ask? It’s silly really but I missed my old singles ward and particularly my old bishop. I almost always had a good relationship with my singles bishops. Not anything too clingy but just they knew my struggles and I could go to them when I was hurting for advice and counsel.
I have found that to be almost impossible in family wards, both that I have been in. They’ve been kind but not the sense of ownership and stewardship over me that I saw in singles ward. As someone who doesn’t have much priesthood in my life I really miss that presence. My father is really my only source for guidance and he is in California which sometimes works, sometimes not.
Today I wanted to talk to the bishop about Mothers Day. Last year I went to the singles ward for Mothers Day and it was so fabulous and uplifting. Mothers Day in family wards is rightfully a celebration of mothers. Normally that is a good thing. I also don’t think that everything should be about me. The Moms deserve their moment in the sun. No doubt about it.
Here’s where I struggle. First, you hear on Mothers Day a million talks about how nurturing and motherhood is an innate part of womanhood. This makes me feel like we all have to be what I call ‘ooey and gooey’. I’m just not that way and it is certainly not natural. I know God accepts me but that doesn’t stop me from bristling when I hear those kinds of talks.
Second, it is a fact of my faith that you must get married and have a family in order to reach the highest level of exaltation. That is true for both men and women, so a righteous married woman is further down that path to be with Heavenly Father than me, a righteous single woman. You can say no, no, you can make covenants later. Well, that is later and they get to make those covenants now. Sigh…
Third, I know the chances of me being able to have a baby on this earth are extremely small and the older I get the smaller they get, so the talks about how great it is to have children can be painful. I’m not the most baby-yearning person in the world but it does hurt sometimes that the option probably won’t even be available to me.
Fourth, Mothers Day is a day where you have to hear over and over again ‘look what righteous thing you don’t have’ and I can only take so much of that. We basically put motherhood on the same level as the priesthood; however, a man can progress in the priesthood through their own righteous activities; where a woman can only get so far. This can be very frustrating. It is true but frustrating.
Now, no need to panic. I know the church is true but that doesn’t mean my life doesn’t feel discouraging at times.
So, today I felt sad. Sad about Mothers Day and I wanted to talk about whether I should come next week to do my calling or go to singles ward again like I did last year. I wanted to talk to the bishop and get some counsel on how to deal with this week every year. When a meeting proved impossible, I felt sad. I think that’s ok to be sad. Its part of life.
Luckily I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me and an earthly father who is ALWAYS behind me 100%. Still, Mothers Day is hard and I miss my old singles ward and my bishop. No getting around that. Missing is a natural human reaction and I am oh so human. I am not like Moroni and able to cope without both Godly and human support. Sigh…
Btw- I have the best Mother a girl could have. Happy Mothers Day Mom!
Rachel's Musings 
I can see why you’d feel that way. It’s been a few years since I skipped a Mother’s Day at church, but before we adopted Lorena I usually just didn’t go. Even now that I’m a mother I find it kind of annoying. I just don’t see why we completely skip over normal meetings for this and replace them with ridiculous talks and lessons that are inappropriate half the time. We don’t do it for Father’s Day, so why for Mother’s Day?
Anyway, I’m sorry you’re struggling and I hope you can come to a decision that will help you have a good day next Sunday.
Thanks Abby. I’m ok. Just felt a little sad yesterday and missed my old bishop. I think most women feel bad on Mothers Day. Those with kids aren’t good enough mothers, those without wish they were etc. Its a messy enterprise for a Hallmark holiday.
Hey girl! I can understand why you’re struggling. That’s got to be tough. Remember to take refuge in Jesus, for He said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
That is one of my favorite scriptures. He really does understand even our silly troubles. I’m feeling much better now. I think I was just having a lonely moment. Happens to the best of us 🙂
Mother’s Day is one of my least favorites days for the reasons that you wrote about. I think it really should be a celebration of all women, both single and married. So, that is what I am going to celebrate. Woman’s Day
Thanks Erin. Its interesting that Fathers Day doesn’t create nearly the guilt. We were talking about it at presidency meeting. Those who do have kids feel guilty, those that don’t feel bad, those that are single mom’s feel bad. I think the pressure of womanhood being this divine calling is laid on so thick on Mothers Day. I normally have a pretty high tolerance for the motherhood/family talks as I know many if not most of the sisters need those but even I reach my limits. My Grandma wouldn’t go to church for years on Mothers Day because she felt so guilty.
I’ve been thinking about this topic this week. Make sure read my post with further thoughts at http://smilingldsgirl.com/2013/05/11/thoughts-on-mothers-day-part-2/
Reblogged this on Smilingldsgirl's Weblog and commented:
Something to think about this weekend. Why Mother’s Day can be hard for all women, including us singles.
I read both posts. For me, Mother’s Day at the many wards I’ve lived in felt like just another Sunday, except that the Primary sang, and the Bishopric handed out chocolates or flowers, usually to all adult women in the ward. I know the talks were about motherhood, but I don’t remember feeling sad or mad, either before or after my having children. (Or maybe I was too busy riding herd on my kids, and I missed the gooey talks. Who knows?)
Some of the guilt that LDS mothers admit to may be related to the resentment of their children and the envy of single women that I saw expressed recently at your facebook page. Maybe some women started their families too early, or maybe it’s fallout from their having interrupted their pregnancies to give birth at their own convenience, or their having missed out on hormonal bonding, because of what the opiate and cocaine analogues used in obstetrical analgesia and anesthesia do to mothers and babies, or because they didn’t breastfeed long enough. I had five years of childless adult time before I chose to start a family; all of my labors began spontaneously after term; I never had an epidural and my two youngest were born completely unmedicated; and I breastfed each of my kids for more than a year. Did those choices contribute to my feeling more comfortable in the skin of motherhood?
By no means was I the “perfect” mother, but I don’t beat myself up about it. One of my kids is inactive and soon it will be 20 years since I last saw him, making my current “success rate” 75%, but God isn’t bashful about telling us that his “success rate” was only 66% in the Pre-existence, and we know he didn’t make any parenting mistakes.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I think everyone just has different experiences and strengths. Thankfully we have women like you who can help us remember to live a dynamic joyful life. I know I’ve struggled with feelings of guilt and frustration on Mother’s Day. I just don’t seem like the kind of woman they are talking about. That is hard but not enough to alter my faith in any way. Just a learning experience. 🙂
But I don’t feel that bad this year as last year. In a better spot. Happy Mothers Day to all of you!