So today I cried after church. I cry a little bit after thinking about it. Why you ask? It’s silly really but I missed my old singles ward and particularly my old bishop. I almost always had a good relationship with my singles bishops. Not anything too clingy but just they knew my struggles and I could go to them when I was hurting for advice and counsel.
I have found that to be almost impossible in family wards, both that I have been in. They’ve been kind but not the sense of ownership and stewardship over me that I saw in singles ward. As someone who doesn’t have much priesthood in my life I really miss that presence. My father is really my only source for guidance and he is in California which sometimes works, sometimes not.
Today I wanted to talk to the bishop about Mothers Day. Last year I went to the singles ward for Mothers Day and it was so fabulous and uplifting. Mothers Day in family wards is rightfully a celebration of mothers. Normally that is a good thing. I also don’t think that everything should be about me. The Moms deserve their moment in the sun. No doubt about it.
Here’s where I struggle. First, you hear on Mothers Day a million talks about how nurturing and motherhood is an innate part of womanhood. This makes me feel like we all have to be what I call ‘ooey and gooey’. I’m just not that way and it is certainly not natural. I know God accepts me but that doesn’t stop me from bristling when I hear those kinds of talks.
Second, it is a fact of my faith that you must get married and have a family in order to reach the highest level of exaltation. That is true for both men and women, so a righteous married woman is further down that path to be with Heavenly Father than me, a righteous single woman. You can say no, no, you can make covenants later. Well, that is later and they get to make those covenants now. Sigh…
Third, I know the chances of me being able to have a baby on this earth are extremely small and the older I get the smaller they get, so the talks about how great it is to have children can be painful. I’m not the most baby-yearning person in the world but it does hurt sometimes that the option probably won’t even be available to me.
Fourth, Mothers Day is a day where you have to hear over and over again ‘look what righteous thing you don’t have’ and I can only take so much of that. We basically put motherhood on the same level as the priesthood; however, a man can progress in the priesthood through their own righteous activities; where a woman can only get so far. This can be very frustrating. It is true but frustrating.
Now, no need to panic. I know the church is true but that doesn’t mean my life doesn’t feel discouraging at times.
So, today I felt sad. Sad about Mothers Day and I wanted to talk about whether I should come next week to do my calling or go to singles ward again like I did last year. I wanted to talk to the bishop and get some counsel on how to deal with this week every year. When a meeting proved impossible, I felt sad. I think that’s ok to be sad. Its part of life.
Luckily I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me and an earthly father who is ALWAYS behind me 100%. Still, Mothers Day is hard and I miss my old singles ward and my bishop. No getting around that. Missing is a natural human reaction and I am oh so human. I am not like Moroni and able to cope without both Godly and human support. Sigh…
Btw- I have the best Mother a girl could have. Happy Mothers Day Mom!