Ok that really isn’t true. I am all about love songs, but sometimes I hate them. Sometimes I want to scream at the radio with impatience and frustration.
My single friends- don’t you sometimes feel like there is this big part of life you are missing out on? Like there is an inside joke that everyone elsegets but you? I know I do. So much of what you see in movies, music, theater and novels centers around romantic affection, whether it is lust, infatuation, break ups or constancy. Now before you start reassuring me that marriage isn’t so great and that I should be grateful to be single, ask yourself this would you want to be in my shoes, for real?
I am not wanting to seem ungrateful but sometimes I worry that I will miss out on this big part of being human. If you were to believe the media a persons sexuality is the most important part of who they are (hogwash if you ask me) so where does that leave me? I’m happy with my life but at times it feels like I’m missing out. (I know I’m being repetitive but I can’t think of any other way to say it).
I am not writing this to engender a pity party. I’m just being honest and admitting that sometimes I feel sad that I don’t get to experience romantic love, or that I haven’t too this point. I guess I get tired of pretending like it doesn’t affect me or that I’m not allowed to feel sad about it because “other people have it way worse”. If that were a valid reason for not feeling emotion, nobody would feel sad about anything ever, and that’s not human.
So I’ll just say it- most of the time I am fine being single, but sometimes I feel sad. There you go.
Most of all I wish there was something I could do. Like some big secret I could learn that everyone else has figured out but I haven’t been clued into. I meet people who seem to be so difficult and yet their lives have been full of romantic affection. It makes me wonder what they are doing and I am not doing? I know there is no answer to this question and it is all in God’s hands, but still I hope I’m not doing anything to make it not happen. I worry about that sometimes
When it comes down to it I wish I had control, but I don’t. I wish I could have all the blessings of a temple marriage but it’s not looking good right now (haven’t been on a date in months). Again, don’t feel sorry for me. I’m just trying to be honest about how I feel at times.
It seems natural to me that I would have moments of longing for a partner. Doesn’t everyone want love and companionship? I’m no different.
Basically, I would like to fall in love and get married. I’d like to have companionship. I’d like to get married in the temple. I’d like to see how I’d do in a relationship because I think I’d be pretty great.
Am I wallowing in it? I don’t think so, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my moments of envy, regret and sadness at my single life. Not as much as some girls, but I am human, and I feel all emotions in my own way. Sometimes it seems like it is not socially acceptable to feel sad, frustrated, angry, remorseful and that those feelings are explained away or not taken seriously. I get that dwelling on them doesn’t help things but to pretend like they don’t exist isn’t helpful.
So, yes, sometimes life is hard. Sometimes being single sucks. Sometimes I long for a kiss goodnight or a squeeze of my hand from a person who really loves me. Sometimes I feel sad, angry, upset and melancholy. I know God is looking out for me and all will be well but I do feel the full scope of human emotions and deal with them in the best way I can.
There I said it.