Month: December 2012

This year I’m sick. New Years Eve always disappoints.

Smilingldsgirl's Weblog

So everyone knows I’m not a woe is me single girl but some days it does kind of suck.  New Years and Valentines being the chief offenders.  I don’t think there are any more ‘coupley’ holidays in the calendar year.

The only thing that makes New Years slightly worse is there is no ignoring it like with Valentines and almost every ‘fun’ activity involves dancing, which I hate.

I have never liked dancing. For starters I have almost no natural rhythm  and I’m not just being modest.  I literally have no natural rhythm. I hate the music typically played at dances. I don’t like club music and find DJs to be obnoxious.  Its also so loud that you can’t talk and you end up either as a wallflower which sucks or gyrating to ‘Everybody Dance Now’ like an idiot. It’s also dark and hard to see anyone so I don’t…

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NO GOALS, NO RESOLUTIONS

Normally I am a huge goal setter.  I love having a plan and motivating myself to do better, be better.   As you all know my life has been overwhelmed lately with the building of my house and my move. So much so that I haven’t been able to eat well and my stomach has been continually upset.  I wish I could control this but I can’t.I’ve thrown up a lot, had nausea, sleep apnea, insomnia, stomach cramping, headaches and asthmatic episodes and I actually think I’ve handled it all pretty well for me….Sigh

So with this in mind I had an interesting experience yesterday. I met with my nutrition counselor on Saturday and she tried 3 times to get me to set goals- goals for the New Year, goals for the month, and then I think getting a little desperate, goals for the week.  I just couldn’t do it!  My brain couldn’t formulate one goal. Even as she asked me I felt my heart begin to race and my stomach churn. My whole body felt raw, wrung out and tired.  Really kind of numb… I just shook my head and said ‘I can’t do it.  I have no idea’. 

This is highly unusual for me but it was in fact a healthy choice for me to make. I’m kind of proud of myself.

I told her that I knew I was in a vulnerable spot and whatever goals I set would become obsessive for me.  I’m searching for things I can control and diet goals are something I could go way overboard in feeling I can control.  I just knew I had to step back and take it one day at a time.   It’s a good thing that I am getting to the point in my mental health where I can tell I am vulnerable and when I am not.  Right now I just need acceptance, congratulations and as much normality as possible.

No goals!  No resolutions!  Just survival!  I feel a little guilty even saying that but its true.  I need to coast for a month until I get in this darn house and then it will be back to the goal setting Rachel.

Does that make sense? I can only take so much and I also feel I need to savor the moment and be grateful for the blessings of so many changes.  It would be easy to distract myself from the fear of change with a diet rush or some other goal, obsess into that instead of dealing with all the new and absorbing it with fearlessness.

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So there you go.  No goals!  Just going to try and be happy to be me. 248072_10151332018897239_58777808_n

2012 Highlights

So I really debated about doing this post because I didn’t know if I could talk about 2012 in a genuine way (I hate glossy highlight reels but I suppose it is better than nothing).  It was a tough year for me and one if I could erase I would do it in a heartbeat.  However, all I can do is try to learn from the experiences and be grateful for the good times.   I am certainly deeply grateful for all the support I have received from friends and family.

As you can see from the gallery some of the highlights of the year included 3 swimfests, Great Salt Lake Marathon Swim, Swim Camp, Deer Creek 5k, building a house, moving to family ward (although challenging in many ways), eye surgery and vision therapy, family reunion in Cali, my weekend retreat in October, BYU 10 Year Reunion, Camille’s wedding, my first solo Christmas/Thanksgiving. (And that’s not even the bad stuff! What a jammed packed year!).

I’m so excited for 2013 and a new house, new tenants, new ward, new experiences.  It should be exciting!  To learning, growing, exploring.

Two Week Notice

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Today I found out that my house is officially delayed by 2 weeks…sigh.  The cabinets took longer to install and now the countertops aren’t ready until next week.  I might get lucky and things will be done sooner but at this rate I wouldn’t count on it.  I have increased my leave date in my apartment complex and let my tenants know.  They were all bummed about the delay but understanding, which I am SO grateful for.  I really found the best people ever for my new place.  Everything would be so much more stressful if they were unhappy.

The truth is it is out of my hands but that is exactly what makes it so nerve-wracking.  I am just at the whim of this other group, tossed about from one week to another.  That is very frustrating, but also the nature of the beast.

Any of you out there have any strategies for dealing with the next few weeks in a healthy way? Maintaining my anxiety, not getting to worked up, etc?  I kind of wish I hadn’t started packing so early because it adds to the sense of chaos and lack of control in my life, creating more anxiety, but how was I to know? As late as last week they were still committing to the 31st as the end date so you have to prepare for that.

I’ve been trying deep breathing, my sleep hygiene, exercise, essential oils, and even some medicine on occasion, but what other tools help all of you out there dealing with anxiety during intense times of change?  I would really appreciate some feedback on this one.

Have any of you built a house? Perhaps you can relate to what I’m experiencing.  I’m now realizing what a bold move it was to dive into not only home ownership but a build and an income property and I know that is part of what is overwhelming.  However, on the same breath I know it is right but the right things can be overwhelming and full of anxiety (ie pretty much every day on my mission…).

I would love to hear your experiences from any of you that have been through home builds.  Unless it’s horror stories.  Save those for another day!

At least I know what’s coming and am not waiting in limbo for contractors to get back to the builder.  That was worse than a delay.  In the meantime, I’m trying to count my blessings and manage my anxiety that is nearly constantly bubbling inside me (I told my Mom today I can’t help it.  It’s just there all the time.  I can help how I respond to it but not make it go away).

Patience

When I was on my mission my president told me to write a 30 page paper on patience.  (I’m not kidding).  Clearly I had to learn a lot about being patient, especially with my companions.  I still have it in storage and it is probably a pretty good paper.  The one thing I remember is that patience is one of the highest forms of godliness, right up there with charity and forgiveness.

No wonder it’s so hard!  No news today about the install of the cabinets which makes me think it won’t be done this week and then there is no way the house will be done the 31st.  Everything then is delayed but I don’t know for sure because nobody is returning my calls or texts about it.  The waiting to hear news, waiting to make plans, making plans but having back ups, is exhausting!

Plus, I feel doubly bad because my tenants also have to wait before they can get in their house but luckily they have been so nice and understanding.  It’s just hard for all of us to be patient.  Plus, it’s not just being patient for a house but a whole new life and experience.  Also, I still am nervous about the loan and hope nothing goes wrong.  The longer we wait the longer I have to stew over that.

I think if I could just get an install date on the cabinets I would feel much better about my timeline but as it is I am left with nothing but hopes that somehow they will pull it off and my move can go as planned.  Each day I don’t hear back the hope grows smaller and I grow more anxious.

I’m SO ready for all of this to be over and to have my house and life back.  It’s so hard to not know what’s going on in your house and to have things in other people’s hands and to be waiting on them.  Makes me want to go install the cabinets but that’s probably not a good idea!

Anyway, the waiting is making me crazy.  The mess is making me crazy!  The not knowing is making me crazy

What to do to survive these next few weeks?

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How Mrs. Claus Relaxes

I mentioned the other day that I have a hard time relaxing and taking the day off. Well I do know 2 things that  I love and would do all day if I could and they couldn’t be more different- MMA (mixed martial arts) and massages

As my Christmas gift to myself I decided to do both and I did them with some Christmas flair!

I’ve learned some new moves since my last video.  I love doing the blocks.  I’ve also gotten faster and higher in my kicks.

Putting on my wraps before the training
Putting on my wraps before the training
awesome kick
Nice high kick! Ah ha!
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Nobody will mess around with this Mrs Claus!
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Body shots. I’m thinking of those cabinet makers slowing things down right now! 🙂

And then the massage.  I love massages.  If I was super rich I’d have a massage every day.

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Happy face. Little nervous at my eye alignment in this picture but don’t I look relaxed?

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Ready for the massage
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Merry Christmas!

Now that’s how you get it done!

Holidays and Moving

Honestly folks what was I thinking? And how come nobody whacked me upside the head and said ‘finishing a house New Years Eve will make you crazy’?  I mean isn’t that what friends are for!  🙂 .

All joking aside the gruesome combo of building a house (especially as a first time home buyer) and trying to eek out a good Christmas is not something I’d recommend to anyone else.  It’s been brutal.  My apartment of 3 years is all a flutter, boxes everywhere (the chaos is making me feel chaotic!) and furniture is being sold or attempted to be sold (3 people have stood me up waiting for them to show up.   1 of them was for a free tv.  You think they’d have initiative to come over for a free tv).

The main thing we are waiting on at the house is the cabinets, which finally arrived Friday at the warehouse.  Now we have to find out the install date.  Once the cabinets are installed countertops, appliances, sinks and carpet can all be installed.  Stupid cabinets!

My stomach has been affected by the anxiety and I haven’t been able to digest things well or had much of an appetite.  I’ve felt nauseated and yet my sleep has been bad.

The thing is I know everything will be okay.  Even if I have to move my stuff up to my Dad’s for a few weeks, I have a back up, but knowing that doesn’t seem to make the worry go away.  Last week, for instance, I tried for 4 days to look at the positive and be hopeful, and I was miserable Friday and then Saturday I reached the breaking point where I had to take my anxiety meds (something I am loathe to do).  The only thing that makes me proud is that in the past I would have had a full blown panic attack on Saturday but I kept it under control.

What feels frustrating is I can’t explain it very well.  It’s a non-nonsensical experience.  It makes me feel like an idiot and a also a little guilty.  I know I am so blessed to have a house with amazing tenants.  Even writing that I want to throw up.

Sigh…And then there is Christmas.  I have had a nice holiday season but it has been more of a welcome distraction than a season.  I kind of wish I could pick it up and have it in February instead of December but I’ve done the best I can to be festive and happy.  Will it go down as one of my best Christmases? Probably not. Some of my friends seem to have the perfect responses to being single and stressful at Christmas.  I’m trying but I can only do so much when I feel like my brain is going to explode.  At this point I am on survival mode trying to be as happy and stable as possible, with as few breakdown as possible before move in day.

The truth is  I’ve also felt very close to the spirit during this time.  I know what I’m doing is right and that means everything.  When I feel anxious, prayer and study have helped me to calm down and lessen the nausea.  In a way I suppose I have been able to focus on the true reason for the season because everything has been so crazy.  Yesterday we had a tremendous Christmas program and it reminded me that Jesus Christ was born, lived, and died for me.   He loves me and love means everything.

So to getting through the next 2 weeks without any breakdowns!  (ok maybe 1 or 2 will be allowed? 😉 ).  I will write tomorrow to let you know how my solo crazy Christmas went.  In the meantime Merry Christmas!

(My thoughts have been so jumbled I’ve tried to write this post 3 times and failed so take it for what it is worth.  It’s been a challenging time for me.  Exciting but challenging).

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