Honestly folks what was I thinking? And how come nobody whacked me upside the head and said ‘finishing a house New Years Eve will make you crazy’? I mean isn’t that what friends are for! 🙂 .
All joking aside the gruesome combo of building a house (especially as a first time home buyer) and trying to eek out a good Christmas is not something I’d recommend to anyone else. It’s been brutal. My apartment of 3 years is all a flutter, boxes everywhere (the chaos is making me feel chaotic!) and furniture is being sold or attempted to be sold (3 people have stood me up waiting for them to show up. 1 of them was for a free tv. You think they’d have initiative to come over for a free tv).
The main thing we are waiting on at the house is the cabinets, which finally arrived Friday at the warehouse. Now we have to find out the install date. Once the cabinets are installed countertops, appliances, sinks and carpet can all be installed. Stupid cabinets!
My stomach has been affected by the anxiety and I haven’t been able to digest things well or had much of an appetite. I’ve felt nauseated and yet my sleep has been bad.
The thing is I know everything will be okay. Even if I have to move my stuff up to my Dad’s for a few weeks, I have a back up, but knowing that doesn’t seem to make the worry go away. Last week, for instance, I tried for 4 days to look at the positive and be hopeful, and I was miserable Friday and then Saturday I reached the breaking point where I had to take my anxiety meds (something I am loathe to do). The only thing that makes me proud is that in the past I would have had a full blown panic attack on Saturday but I kept it under control.
What feels frustrating is I can’t explain it very well. It’s a non-nonsensical experience. It makes me feel like an idiot and a also a little guilty. I know I am so blessed to have a house with amazing tenants. Even writing that I want to throw up.
Sigh…And then there is Christmas. I have had a nice holiday season but it has been more of a welcome distraction than a season. I kind of wish I could pick it up and have it in February instead of December but I’ve done the best I can to be festive and happy. Will it go down as one of my best Christmases? Probably not. Some of my friends seem to have the perfect responses to being single and stressful at Christmas. I’m trying but I can only do so much when I feel like my brain is going to explode. At this point I am on survival mode trying to be as happy and stable as possible, with as few breakdown as possible before move in day.
The truth is I’ve also felt very close to the spirit during this time. I know what I’m doing is right and that means everything. When I feel anxious, prayer and study have helped me to calm down and lessen the nausea. In a way I suppose I have been able to focus on the true reason for the season because everything has been so crazy. Yesterday we had a tremendous Christmas program and it reminded me that Jesus Christ was born, lived, and died for me. He loves me and love means everything.
So to getting through the next 2 weeks without any breakdowns! (ok maybe 1 or 2 will be allowed? 😉 ). I will write tomorrow to let you know how my solo crazy Christmas went. In the meantime Merry Christmas!
(My thoughts have been so jumbled I’ve tried to write this post 3 times and failed so take it for what it is worth. It’s been a challenging time for me. Exciting but challenging).