So I’ve had an intense last couple of days.
Saturday- book club highlight of the day. Great turn out, great friends, great discussion. We read The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella which I’ve mentioned a number of times on this blog as a fav. We had this great discussion about workaholism in the modern culture. Then I went home and spent 5 hours on an audit for one of my jobs. I finished drained and so glad I didn’t have to teach the next day
Sunday- went to church, fast Sunday. Didn’t have to teach but didn’t get much spiritual feeding because my week to go to sharing time. Then had dinner with my sister. We had some girl talk and watched Downton Abbey. I have so much I need to work on. My personal life is far from perfect. It was fun and supportive but felt tired next Morning.
Monday- Found out that month end close was on the 5th this week instead of the 10th and I was going to be out of town on the 5th. Serves me right for taking a day off work! Stressed out all day. Then miracle of miracles Avalara called me and said they could move up my closing to the 3rd so I could get everything done. Great news! Stress has moved into the anxiety stage but some relief (most dangerous kind of anxiety is when you think it has been resolved and let your guard down). 10 hour work day
Tuesday- Found out my ride to Henderson to stay with my Aunt and Uncle wasn’t going to work out. (The details don’t matter but it was a communication problem that caused me a lot of anxiety). Felt unprepared for race. Spent $100+ on race already. Couldn’t decide what to do. Was supposed to be fun but then with all the work anxiety and mechanics of it all it was anything but fun and certainly not relaxing. I had a decision to make could either stay here, give up on my plans, or find a way out there and swim a race I was unprepared for but could probably do anyway? My fear was if I didn’t go I would just end up working anyways and then be ready for a mental ward by Saturday….10 hour work day
Wednesday- Had a big long cry, near panic attack. Felt overwhelmed by everything. And then like a bolt of lightning I just knew ‘I have to make a decision.” and then I knew “I’m not going” and I immediately felt a confirmation this was the right choice. Seriously a lightness I had not felt in a long time came over me and I smiled. My Dad called me about 5 seconds after hearing me in sobs and couldn’t believe the transformation. All it took was a decision to be made.
Then I said what can I do to relax instead of working if I stay? My solution- go to City Center Marriott (my favorite as it was my victory celebration when I quit my job in 2007) from Tuesday to Monday morning get a room all to myself and watch Conference and enjoy. They have the best pool, hot tub, robes, sheets. I know I will be able to sleep well. Its near everything (in the center of the city!). I want to try out some cool restaurants and really try to relax. If this doesn’t work than maybe I really have lost the ability to relax. I think my mission sucked the power out of me.
So, it was a hard decision. I loved the race last ever and had a great experience but sometimes you have to do what is best for your brain and body even if it doesn’t match up with your goals. My eye still has sutures and my equilibrium is still off. I had maybe 3 swims in September and today I was training with Michele and I about passed out doing stair steps. Don’t know if from overwork or my eyes. Either way my body just isn’t itself at the moment and there is nothing I can do about that.
I know the next 3 months are going to be hyper stressful with a move, packing up, closing on a house, finding tenants etc and maybe I needed this break to be able to handle all of that (which is way overwhelming)?
Maybe Heavenly Father just knew I needed to focus on Conference this October because my spiritual canteen has been feeling low (only so much I can gain all by myself). My family might come to the hotel and enjoy it with me but I told them NO WORK TALK!!!! NO DRAMA!
I wish I was better at handling anxiety. I wish I could do more and be more but then I think of all I do and wonder maybe I do too much? Then there are slow weeks where I am itching for things to do. Balance between work and life are impossible for me. Thank goodness for my friends who keep me sane. Thank goodness for boxing and swimming and thank goodness for my parents for loving me and not judging when I struggle.
So there it is. That was my decision making process. I know it was the right thing to do so it will be interesting to see what my Heavenly Father has in store for me.