This will be an intentionally cryptic post. Sometimes I wish I could be more forward than I am on my blog. I know I’m pretty forward but I honestly wish I could be even more so. However, I try to only talk about myself and allow others to publicize their life if they chose to (which I highly recommend as it is thoroughly therapeutic.) As the song says:
I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook or the ovation
It’s my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world, and it’s not a place I have to hide in
Life’s not worth a darn ’til you can say
“Hey world, I am what I am!”
I am what I am
I don’t want praise
I don’t want pity
I bang my own drum Some think it’s noise I think it’s pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle?
Why not try to see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham ’til you can shout out loud: “I am what I am!”
(Btw, is there a better description of me than that song?)
As I was saying. I was sitting alone at night lost in my thoughts, and I started thinking about a question asked to me by a friend when discussing a problem in my life. She said ‘What do you hope for?’. It’s such a simple question but so hard to answer. What do any of us hope for?
The answer is simple and complicated at the same time.
I hope for an eternal family with a companion who loves me forever.
I hope to always have good friends. Friendship is hope. Almost all the love I’ve had in my life has been from friends. I love that in the Greek language the word love is actually 4 different words, agape, philos, eros and storge. Agape is especially moving as it means a love so great we would sacrifice all for it. Fits with the scripture- greater love hath no man than this that he lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13).
I hope for a healthy body that can really be used to inspire other people. I am healthy now but I know if I looked healthier to the average Joe I could do more good. This motivates me to keep trying.
I dream of writing a book based on my life and my struggles. My sister is the writer in the family but I have lots of ideas, both fiction and non-fiction that I think would be terrific books. Its starting and having the time to keep at it that keeps that dream deferred.
I dream of the ocean on a daily basis and can hear the wish, wish of the tide accompanying my life and keeping me calm. I feel sad that this year will go buy without a glimpse of the ocean. Someday I want to own a house near a beach. Any beach.
I hope to contribute to the world in a meaningful way. I think I do but I want to do more. I want the world to know Rachel existed. I still haven’t figured out what my big contribution is going to be. Maybe it’s this blog and if it is I better be sure to make it authentic and the true Me. Hmmmm
There are many more things I hope for. I could spend all day.
But at the moment many of my dreams are deferred. I think a lot of us have to defer our dreams. I love the Langston Hughes poem and had it on my mind today:
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
I don’t know what it does? Probably some of everything? That’s all I will say, but I have moments where it dries up, festers, stinks, sweetens, sags, weighs me down and even explodes. I’m a bit of a control freak and a dream deferred is the ultimate loss of control.
It’s a dream deferred and I don’t want to wait!
So those are my thoughts and as almost nobody reads my pondering posts, I will say goodnight to myself, and try to do some actual dreaming. Sigh…