Day: November 11, 2010

Venting About Weight Loss

As I mentioned in my earlier post I’ve been a little stressed out lately.  I’ve had a lot of work on my plate and been trying to keep up my part time exercising job.  To be honest its been exhausting!  I went to the doctors yesterday and I think we’ve started on the path for figuring out why I’m tired all the time and weight loss is so hard.  The doctor was very supportive but it brought back a flood of emotions and memories.  It was like all the struggles, diets, criticism, looks of disdain, judgments, disinterest from boys and over 20 years of failure came welling up.  I feel like I’ve been absorbing the emotions and filtering it for the last two days.  It may be hard to believe but I have a healthy self-esteem. Still, that doesn’t mean I haven’t faced challenges with weight loss and my ‘never-want-to-change’ body.  In a way it has been more difficult to be trying so hard and be fat (although admittedly less fat). A quick fix is very tempting but I’ve done that before and it never lasts.

Permanent weight loss is something I have never been able to figure out and am just starting to get.  The path I’m on is dauntingly difficult and emotional in a way only a journey starting when I was 8 could be.  I know it is awesome to have lost 35 lbs but those lbs have been won with blood, sweat and tears (some shed this week!).  I should get a gold medal in weight loss if I pull this off.  Its certainly been the quest of a life time.  I sometimes wonder why Heavenly Father feels I need this challenge from such a young age?  Why does it have to be this hard- especially when it seems so easy for others?  Why couldn’t I be skinny and meet Mr. Sunshine and life be perfect? I don’t know but it must be what I need to be my best- to be perfected.  It must be!

this is how I feel most of the time!

I know its silly to worry about what the world thinks but since I have this forum I just want to say one thing to the world- the next time you see a 275 lb girl and your tempted to think “what a fattie”  just remember she might be exercising until collapsing for the last 8 months.  Please keep in mind that maybe she’s been eating 1300-1500 calories and denying herself almost all her favorite foods.     She may be trying as hard as she can to change her life- so understand her struggle before you dare judge her. She may not be the lazy coach potato you think she is. In fact, she may be in better shape than you! (or at least a better swimmer! 🙂 ).  Please try to see her potential.  I used to know someone who would take photos of fat people in parks and at Disneyland because they were supposedly funny.  It is that kind of cursory glance, mocking without any follow up questions,  disdain for a fellow human beings struggles,  that makes me want to scream.  The idea of someone thinking I’m funny because I’m fat when I’m working so hard to change makes me crazy.  If you want to see the type of prejudice I fight against check out this link.  Phew!  I’ve said it, now moving on!

As I say this I want to make it clear I’ve had nothing but amazing support from my family and friends.  They have been awesome.  My parents and siblings have been especially great supports.  I have felt unconditional love no matter my weight, and I am so grateful for that. Thank you for the phone calls, emails, comments, shoulders to cry on and arms to hug when victories are achieved. I am particularly thankful for everyone that has listened to me cry again and again  this week.  Thank you so much. You wonderful people allowed me to let it out and now I feel like I can move on and keep fighting!

So there world- think before you judge, remember everyone has a journey and never give up! I’m not going to!