Day: August 9, 2010

My Weird Self Image and Other Updates

So I haven’t posted for a bit.  To begin with I had a lot of make up work to do in both my jobs after being sick so long.  The next reason is I have been exercising like a maniac at my new GYM!!!  Yes, I finally decided to step my exercise to the next level and join a gym.  It was a hard decision because the only gym nearby that had a pool  (an absolute requirement) is at the top of my price range ($69 a month).  The gym is called the Treehouse Athletic Club and is about 5 minutes from my apartment.  Treehouse is actually a great deal for families but they sock it to the singles (I’m sorry but you think it would be the other way around.  I’m only one person!).  Weeks ago I asked my facebook friends whether I should join a gym and one of them said “make sure it is somewhere you want to be”.  This sounds obvious but is not the case with most gyms.  They are usually “too body builder, show-off my weights, I’m a total tool”,  for my taste.  On the other end of the spectrum I have done Curves once before but its expensive for what you get and doesn’t provide classes, a pool or any real cardio.

With these expectations I went in to Treehouse last Monday for a trial day and it was like they knew I was coming.  There even happened to be a swim instructor there who gives tips on your stroke twice a week.  Need I mention that the pool blew me a way and the spa was even better.  There are 2 hot tubs, 2 pools (one for laps, one for child play), tons of equipment and weight machines and classes galore.  Plus, the whole environment felt so relaxing.  They have fluffy bathrobes, shampoo, conditioner and body wash in the showers, deodorant spray and lotion in the changing rooms, a swimsuit dryer, and nice hair dryers.  In the words of my friend “this is a place I want to be”.  After weighing the options, on Thursday I went in and paid the year-long membership (got a 10% discount for paying upfront) and have been using it like crazy since.  Anyone in the Draper area who would like to check it out let me know.  I have a few guest day passes. There have been times when I’ve joined gyms before but this time feels different.  This whole fitness quest has felt different.  I’m now at 285 (that’s 28 lbs lost since March) and working to get down to 250 asap.

Speaking of 250…the other day I was watching TLC when a weight loss program came on.  The idea was to profile people who are trying to lose 100 lbs.  One of the men on the show was nearly 500 lbs- clearly a huge problem.  However, the girl they profiled was 258 lbs, and they were acting like the two amounts were identical in scale.  I will be thrilled when I get to 250 lbs but that’s not really what bothered me.  I genuinely see myself and certainly myself at 258 lbs as beautiful not some grotesque human being as this show was portraying.  The woman wouldn’t look at her wedding pictures because she was so horrified at her weight.  They even interviewed her parents who said how disappointed they were in their obese daughter (Isn’t that awful! I wish I was making this up).  I’m not trying to defend being 250 lbs.  I know it is unhealthy in many ways but isn’t it strange that I have such a different viewpoint than the producers of this show or the woman involved? When I look in the mirror (even at 285 lbs) I see a beautiful plus size girl.

This is not the first time that I have noticed my unusual degree of self-acceptance.  When other people are apologizing and criticizing themselves I often feel great.  Of course, I have moments of self-doubt and discouragement but usually not because of my behavior, performance or body.  In fact, Megan is always laughing at how freely I compliment myself.  I simply respond,  “I live alone. If I don’t say it no one will!”.   For example, when I cook a new recipe or try a different technique I will tell everyone at the table if the food is delicious (my former roommates can attest to that!)!

Several years ago another example hit me.  I was an obedient, hard-working missionary-not perfect, but I can honestly say I tried my hardest each day.  When I got on the plane leaving Indiana I knew in my heart I had found everyone I needed to find, and worked as hard as I could.  I left with NO REGRETS.

I naively thought all good missionaries felt this way and had this same reassurance from the Lord.  A couple  years after the mission Julia Graves came to visit me, and we met up with several sisters from our mission to see both our mission presidents.  When chatting with President Simmons I said

“the great thing about a mission is it is the one thing in life you can do with no regrets.  You can know you served the Lord 100%”.

I was not saying this to boast or brag about my great mission.  I really did think everyone felt this way; however, when we got in the car one of the sisters said

“Wow, sister Wagner. I wish I felt that way about my mission.”.  Then all of the others agreed with her.

I can’t overstate how surprised I was by their reaction. It made me step back and realize my many blessings.  I knew then Heavenly Father had given me my sense of peace and closure to a very physically, spiritually and mentally draining mission.  I didn’t specifically pray for this reassurance but the Lord knew I needed it.

I was thinking about this experience and the 258 program when I realized perhaps my acceptance of my body has also been a blessing.  Maybe the Lord needed me to be happy with myself until I was ready to change.  He needs me to be actively serving, loving and trying my best no matter what my weight is. He also loves me regardless of my appearance.  Last year I read a book called the Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl, and I hated it with a passion.  The thing that made me mad is the author portrays her heavy self as practically worthless- like a big blob incapable of interacting with friends, family, or participating in activities such as travel or other recreation.  I promise that when I lose weight I will never look down on the old me.  I have value and am beautiful even at 285lbs, and I don’t care if  some stupid TLC program or book says otherwise!