A Stupid Fear

Today I would just like to expose a fear of mine that is kind of involved with my current weight loss program.  My hope is that through expressing myself I will be able to deal with this fear and move on.  So here goes…

Relationships have always been a mystery to me.  Sometimes the whole “love” concept feels a little like Santa Claus- like one day I will wake up and realize romance is a big myth grown ups like to tell.  It’s hard because I have never been in love or anything close to it.  In fact, it is almost impossible for me to imagine anyone being in love with me.  I say that with a very healthy self-confidence.  I know I’m beautiful and accomplished, but I still can’t imagine anyone falling in love with me (Doesn’t everyone have a few things they are insecure about? This is one of mine).  Maybe romance is something you can’t imagine until it happens.

Part of what makes this tough is I am admittedly naive when it comes to men.  Aside from my father and brothers I’ve had limited interaction with men.  My friends have always been girls- even as a child or teenager.  My crushes have also been few and far between.  I’m not sure why but it seems I don’t meet men I’m attracted to very often.  Don’t get the wrong idea- I’m attracted to men but I don’t crush often. Even the Hollywood guys that other girls swoon over I rarely find that good looking.

Anyway, I am happy with my life.  I love being single and independent, but I think everyone would like to fall in love at least once in his or her lifetime.  So, here’s my fear- what if I lose all the weight and then meet someone.  No matter what happens there will always be the potential for me to look the way I am now.  How do I know that the future person will be ok with the current me? Does that make sense?  In some ways I wish I could meet someone right now.  If someone could fall in love with the plus size me it would take a worry away.  If it happens after I lose the weight I will probably  be a little anxious about my looks. What if I have a baby and end up looking just like I look now will that be a problem for the guy?  I know things like that are more important to guys but it could happen.  There will always be the potential for me to be a big girl and he has to be ok with that. Basically my fear is if I lose weight, meet someone and then gain the weight back will he not love me anymore?

It’s not like I can do much about this fear except deal with it.  It certainly is not going to stop me from getting in shape.  Love is not something that can be planned or organized on my timeline.  It is up to God and my mystery man out there.  We will just have to wait and see what happens, and I will have to conquer my anxieties and fears.

7 thoughts on “A Stupid Fear

  1. I have that exact same fear! But you know what I found out? It starts to go away once you start really slimming down and all the confidence that comes with it starts shoving that out of the way. It is also a motivator to stay healthy. To learn all I can about how I can stay healthy and at a good weight when and if I ever do have a baby. And trust me, a boy might be attracted to the outside of you (because you are beautiful), but if he’s the one for you, he’ll love the inside waaaaayyyy more. Otherwise, he’s not good enough for you :).

    1. Thanks Stef. You are such a good friend. It feels good letting the world know about this little insecurity of mine. Its true what you say about true love looking on the heart but sometimes it seems hard to believe somebody could really feel that way about me.
      I suppose if a marriage can’t stand someone gaining weight it isn’t a very strong marriage, and I mean to have a strong marriage.

  2. DISCLAIMER: I did not intend for this comment to be so long before I started writing it. Please forgive me, or just don’t read it!

    I come from a different perspective (in terms of weight issues), but I can absolutely relate to the fear of a relationship. Obviously, I overcame my fear eventually…otherwise I wouldn’t be married right now.

    I grew up hearing my family and friends tell me that I was pretty and that all the boys liked me (I’m not saying this to brag…doesn’t everybody’s family and friends tell them things like this?) But the truth is, I had very little actual self confidence in my physical appearance and in my “likability factor.” If my hair wasn’t just right or I had a single zit on my face, or if I perceived that an outfit was in any way less than flattering on me, I became extremely self conscious and worried that everybody was staring at me and making permanent judgments about me based on one of these small & silly issues. The point is (and it took me a long time to learn this), I was so obsessed with my appearance because I had so little self confidence in my personality. I was not naturally outgoing or bubbly, so I thought I had to make up for the shyness factor by looking as good as possible. But when it comes down to it, guys (at least those worth our affections) are attracted more to who we are as a person…our personality and our thought process…the things that make us us…than they are to our appearance. Though a guy may (or may not even) initially be attracted to our face or figure, it is who we are inside that he truly falls in love with.

    Men like women who are confident with who they are. I had a history of subconscious self sabotage before I finally realized what my problem was and fixed it. For years, if a guy liked me then I automatically decided I had better not like him. This held true even for guys who I had MAJOR crushes on before I realized they were interested in me. But inevitably, once they expressed an interest in me I RAN, convincing myself that these guys were somehow no longer worthy of my affections. It took me a very long time to finally realize that the problem was my lack of self confidence. See, in my mind, if a guy liked me then there must be something wrong with him, because a worthy guy couldn’t possibly be attracted to me. Does that make sense? It is twisted logic, but that’s how my mind worked. So great guys would suddenly become “weird stalker guys” once I found out they liked me, because only weird guys could actually like me. Guys who were truly cool only liked the cool girls (which, in my mind, I was not).

    It wasn’t until after I met my husband that I finally realized how I was sabotaging my chances of ever having a relationship. I have to add, it wasn’t just a lack of self confidence, but also a real fear of the unknown that kept me from finding romance. It was easier to think that only the weird guys liked me than to actually take a chance on one of them and enter into a relationship…scary! It was all related, really. Because I was unsure of myself, relationships seemed scary.

    Though I was interested in my husband as a person, our relationship began as a close friendship (might I add, even becoming friends with him was scary for me). But as much as I liked and respected him as a person and a friend, once he showed the first sign that he was interested in taking the relationship in a romantic direction I freaked out and nearly ran away from him. All of a sudden, he was the “weird stalker guy” that had plagued me for so long. Why do only the weirdos like me? Wait, he’s not a weirdo! I actually do like this guy; I’m just scared. That was my moment of realization. I had to overcome my fear of the unknown and take the plunge into an actual relationship. But I will say this, once I got over that fear and gave my hubby a chance, the romance came very naturally and was so much fun! I couldn’t believe what I had denied myself for so long!

    I’m sorry to have left my life story here in your comments, but I hope that something I said is even somewhat beneficial to you. The bottom line is, everybody has fears(both you and I have/had a fear of a relationship), although we may have/have had different reasons for that fear. But in any case, confronting that fear and understanding the reasons behind it is the first step to overcoming it. My advice to you would be, keep doing what you are doing. You obviously have a very healthy self confidence; that is a good thing. You have an interest in becoming a healthier you; that is also a good thing. I am sure that a worthy guy would recognize the fact that you are trying to be the best you can be and respect how much hard work and dedication that requires of you. In the end, whatever you look like…or could possibly look like in the future…open yourself up to the idea of a relationship and then begin to make friends with guys. So many romances begin as platonic friendships. Then, if a man truly falls in love with you (and the feeling is mutual) then give him a chance and have the confidence that his love will endure for you no matter what the future may bring.

  3. I love long comments. Seriously- thank you. You’ve given me lots to think of. Thanks for sharing your story of jumping into the unknown. Since I have never had a relationship it truly does feel like jumping into the unknown. Its also hard to imagine it actually happening. I just have to have faith in the Lord’s timetable and faith in myself. It seems impossible but somebody, someday will fall in love with the real me. Skinny or fat. (Now I just have to keep telling myself that over and over again until I really believe it!). Thanks again.

    1. I’m glad my comment wasn’t too much. Yes, it takes faith for it to happen…it really does. Although I imagined/day dreamed for years about finding a boyfriend or husband, the truth is, I actually had a very hard time believing that it really would ever happen. It wasn’t until I received my patriarchal blessing, which talked extensively about my to-be husband, that I actually believed that it would happen some day. Even so, it took great faith to actually become engaged and go through with marriage(even after I had dated my guy for several months and fallen in love with him). It is truly a leap of faith, and something that should be approached with care and prayer.

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